Sienna Miller Tells Jude Law, Size Matters
Nov 14, 2006, 08:56
"Oh yeah, Jude. Now I see it."
NEW YORK - After repeated attempts at a reconciliation had fallen short, a frustrated Sienna Miller told on-again-off- again fiance, Jude Law, that size does matter and their relationship was over.
According to a close friend of the couple's, "Sienna kept setting the bar lower and lower, but in the end she had to admit to herself that Jude couldn't measure up to her expectations."
Mr. Law, 33, and Ms. Miller, 24, were engaged to have been married in 2004; but she ended the relationship after reading a newspaper article that claimed Mr. Law "had been having it away" with Daisy Wright, the nanny to his three children by his former wife, Sadie Frost. When Ms. Miller confronted Mr. Law with the accusation, he promptly e-mailed an apology to every major newspaper in Britain and to the secretaries of several garden societies as well. Two days later he apologized publicly again in a full-page advert that appeared in London's The Times.
"I wish to say how heartily and profoundly sorry I am for the pain I have caused Sienna's mum, my close friend and former wife, Sadie, and my three children, especially the one who caught me having it off with that slut Daisy. You know who you are, and you know Daddy can't mention you by name because he would never do anything to compromise your peace of mind or security. Just know that Daddy didn't really mean you stink when he called you a stinking liar, nor was he trying to hurt Miss Daisy or to stab her with anything."
That nude photo of Jude Law.
Reaction to Mr. Law's apologies was swift and mocking.
"He came across as a bit of a wet," said Hugh Grant, who was once arrested on Los Angeles' Sunset Strip for soliciting oral sex from a Hollywood hooker calling herself Divine Brown. "Whatever became of the concept of the stiff upper lip?"
"What a [pussy]," sneered Colin Firth. "He's going to take a drubbing over this. Serves the bastard right. He ought to just mail Sienna his testicles."
Some people interpreted Mr. Law's second apology as a ploy for sympathy and a transparent attempt at swaying public opinion, which was running eight-to-one against him in most polls at the time. Indeed, in a "Screw 'em or Spare 'em" poll conducted by London's tabloid conscience, The Sun, Mr. Law tracked as poorly as Camilla Parker Bowles had done in the months following Princess Diana's assassination.
"One usually has to be caught shagging a sheep in the village commons on Sunday to track that badly," chuckled popular television presenter So Graham Norton.
Less than a month after his second apology, Mr. Law was caught with his pants down again. A full monty—or, as some wags termed it, a half-monty—shot of Mr. Law appeared on the Internet, courtesy of a paparazzo who had caught Mr. Law changing into his swimsuit near his mother's home in France.
The photo, which quickly became the shot seen round the world, became the focal point for an unseemly interest in Mr. Law's penis.
"The photographer didn't need a wide-angle lens for that shot," laughed fashionista and political commentator Joan Rivers. "Even if you're using the metric system, that guy comes up short. Where does he buy his shoes, in the boy's department at Harrods?"
Like most fishermen, Jude Law exaggerates the size of his catch.
"He's no Tommy Lee, that's for sure," said Pamela Anderson. "At first I thought they had photographed one of his sons by mistake."
"Hey, Jude, you've got more to be embarrassed about than boning the nanny," taunted Courtney Love.
Shortly after the damaging photo had appeared on the Net, Ms. Miller was seen in public with a fully clothed Mr. Law, and tabloids reported they were attempting to reconcile their differences. That effort ended prematurely, but after months apart the couple gamely made another go of it, and then another, and another.
"It was one of those can't live with them, can't live without them deals," an insider told US Weekly. "In the end, though, Sienna realized that trying to get it straight with Jude was like trying to put a square little peg in a round hole, if you get my drift."
Ms. Miller, who was in New York yesterday to turn on the Christmas lights, made no mention of the end of her three-year relationship with Mr. Law. Giving Father Christmas a big hug, a smiling Ms. Miller said, "I hope you bring all the good little girls a great big Christmas pole."
In related news, a spokesman for WoebegoneŽ, The All-natural Penis-enhancing Herbal Supplement for Men, denied that his company is being sued by Mr. Law for making false claims about its product.
