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Phish to Reunite for New Year's Eve Gig in Dubai
Nov 14, 2007, 16:43
From left: Mike Gordon, Paige McConnell, Trey Anastasio, Jon Fishman.
DUBAI, United Arab Emirates - Phish, the once and future kings of the jam band court, will reunite for a three-day, seven-set New Year's Eve celebration on a manmade island off the coast of Dubai, a spokesman for the group announced yesterday.
The reunion concerts, scheduled for December 30 through January 1, will be held on an island shaped like the United States. The artificial island is one of roughly three hundred islands arranged to resemble scaled-down versions of the world's continents.
Most of the islands, which range in price from $6.8 to $32 million, are currently available. Indeed, the only "countries" that have been sold thus far are Ethiopia, purchased by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie; Iraq, which was snapped up by Haliburton; and Scotland, where Rod Stewart is rumored to be starting his own harem.
"These shows (in Dubai) are a natural progression for us," said Phish frontman, Trey Anastasio. "They're the extension of an arc that began in Worcester, Massachusetts, ran through the Everglades, and ultimately challenged us to reconsider our 'retirement.'"
A cynic might observe that the failure of any member of Phish to launch a respectable solo career is what beckoned the band to Dubai—that and a reputed $9-million payday from the family of Sheik Ibn al Forbin, 27, who attended a number of Phish shows while studying environmental design at Brown University.
The world according to Dubai.
"I really don't need the coin," Mr. Anastasio explained, "but Fish has been up against it since we broke up."
Fish—the band's madcap drummer, Jon Fishman—has been reduced to playing pastrami-and-beer nights in Jewish community centers with Kinky Friedman's Klezmer All Stars.
Mr. Anastasio, though he might not need the money, could use a little feather spray on his solo career. His most recent CD, Horseshoe Curve, was trashed by Relix magazine, which called it "an abortion." None of Mr. Anastasio's post-Phish CDs has moved more than a thousand copies—including illegal downloads over P2P sites.
Advanced tickets for the Dubai concerts go on sale this Saturday through Phish's website. Tickets, limited to four per person, cost $3,000 for the entire three days, $1,500 for any individual day. Those prices include camping permits and ferry passes to the United States island, which is accessible only by boat.
After returning to the real United States, Phish will embark on a twenty-five-city tour, which starts in Hampton, Virginia, on January 25. The details of the tour have yet to be finalized, but wherever he goes, Mr. Anastasio will be obliged to wear a Lindsay Lohan model ankle monitor, a condition mandated by his parole board as a consequence of Mr. Anastasio's being busted for heroin possession last year.
In related news, although Mr. Anastasio did not reveal what special effects the band will unfurl for the reunion concerts, a source close to the group hinted that Haliburton, which owns Iraq, might be planning to blow up Iran at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
