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Scientists Clone Monkey from Courtney Love Cells
Nov 13, 2009, 10:48
PORTLAND, Ore. - Researchers at Oregon Health and Science University have manipulated the DNA of skin cells obtained from Courtney Love to create monkey embryos from which stem cells were extracted three days later.
This experiment, the first in which a primate embryo was created from a "superior species," may lead to breakthroughs in the field of veterinary medicine.
Because stem cells can be molded to grow into any tissue in the body, they are valuable as a tool for treating or curing monkey diseases.
"Animals have long been used as research subjects in experiments designed to extend human life, develop better cosmetics, and find cures for disease," said Merrick Sanders, who headed up the research team. "Now it looks as if humans may get to return that favor."
The Love discovery had its genesis in a genome-mapping project funded by the National Institutes of Health and the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. As reported exclusively on this website in October 2006, that research revealed that a mere sliver of DNA separates Courtney Love and other celebrities from monkeys—which explains why Ms. Love and some of her colleagues behave more like feces-flinging primates than other humans do.
The genetic changes that enable researchers to distinguish most humans from chimpanzees occur in roughly 2 percent of the three billion chemical letters that make up the human genetic code. These changes have occurred in the six million years since Homo sapiens and chimpanzees diverged from a common ancestor: Mapotherus erectus, a shorter-than-average creature that was noted for its leaping ability, its tendency to drop to one knee when aroused, and its argumentative nature.
"Obviously, people in whom beneficial genetic changes are not fully developed—or, in Ms. Love's case, appear not to have been developed at all—will exhibit self-destructive, attention-seeking behavior reminiscent of a monkey in a cage who masturbates in public and flings turds at visitors," Dr. Anders explained.
Courtney Love DNA? There goes the neighborhood!
The potential benefits of the Love discovery to monkeys and lower primates are undeniable. Nevertheless, human rights groups such as PETOP (People for the Ethical Treatment of Other People), have condemned the experiments roundly.
"It isn't Courtney Love's fault that some monkey in Africa has AIDS," declared PETOP Captain Inga Kirk. "If she were your daughter, would you want her kept in a cage for the benefit of some sexually promiscuous monkey?"
According to Captain Kirk, "If we don't put a stop to this research, the next thing we know monkeys are going to be eating people crackers and wearing clothing made of human skin."
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
