Your sun is in arrears and your moon is in contempt. Ordinarily this would mean that you should be incognito, but these are not ordinary times. The presence of the planet Dipthong in your literary house and the emergence of the Ringo star in your musical constellation point to the need for the bold initiative instead. Remember, the grand gesture is the prelude to grand success. Think large, live large, and-as Lane Bryant is my judge-large will be your shadow on the world's stage.
Paris Hilton's Monkey Goes Ape
Nov 16, 2005, 06:36
Paris and Baby Luv seconds before the vicious attack.
LOS ANGELES - Paris Hilton went shopping for lingerie with Baby Luv, her pet kinkajou, last Saturday. As the pair entered Agent Provocateur, a designer boutique, Baby Luv flew into a rage, screaming at Hilton then biting her and clawing at her face.
"At first I thought it was Kevin Federline throwing another tantrum," said one of the fashion consultants at Agent Provocateur.
Hilton, 26, did not suffer any damage during the brief attack, but she did require treatment on the scene for second-degree make-up disturbance. Following treatment, she hooked the monkey to a leash, chained it to a cabinet, and proceeded with her shopping.
According to one of Hilton's assistants, Baby Luv became enraged when she discovered they weren't stopping at PetSmart first, as Hilton had promised.
Steve Irwin, the Croc Hunter, disagrees. "Kinkajous are nocturnal, like Hilton," he told the LA Times. "Baby Luv was probably cranky at being deprived of her daily sleep."
In other news . . .
Phone Sex Spreads among College Students
MILLERSVILLE, Penna. - According to the dean of the college of education of Millersville University, we can add sex to the burgeoning list of activities that students engage in while talking on their cell phones.
"We're used to seeing students talking on their cell phones while walking across campus, doing research in the library, and eating in the cafeteria," said Dean Kenyata Miller, "but the phenomenon of talking on a cell phone while engaging in sex is a disturbing trend. It suggests a fear of intimacy and an unhealthy reliance on peer approval."
Denise Miller, an elementary education major, disagrees.
"I don't think sex is anything to be ashamed of," said Miller. "It's something beautiful that I want to share with my friends, like telling them about a new CD or a movie I enjoyed. Besides, if I call my roommate to tell her I'm having sex right now, it avoids the embarrassing possibility of her walking in on us."
Harlan Miller, coach of the men's basketball team, warns that students who used their cell phones to film themselves while having sex "run the risk of overexposure." According to Miller, a substitute power forward on his team accidentally hit the "send to all" button on his Sony Ericsson S710a and e-mailed a photo of his encounter to everyone in his address book, including his parents, girlfriend, and academic advisor.
Next Oprah: What Our Pets Tell Us about Our Sexuality
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Ten Things You Should Flip the Bird to Before You Die 1. Religion
3. Seat Belts
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. The Bucket List
7. Classical Music
8. Pissing Indoors All the Time
10. Going to Bed Early.