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The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery-smelling, dried-up, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.>
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Herein your fearless editor in briefs, who was deplorable long before deplorable was a meme, holds forth, but seldom holds his tongue, on a variety of topics ranging from the politicalization of sports to the emasculation of male college students to the idiocies of third-wave feminism to the reasons for the sudden prominence of white-interest™ movements to whatever fickles his nancy. You can check in any time you like, but come prepared to stay. Previous topics include, but are not limited to:
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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.
Paris Hilton's Monkey Goes Ape Nov 16, 2005 - 6:36
Paris and Baby Luv seconds before the vicious attack.
LOS ANGELES - Paris Hilton went shopping for lingerie with Baby Luv, her pet kinkajou, last Saturday. As the pair entered Agent Provocateur, a designer boutique, Baby Luv flew into a rage, screaming at Hilton then biting her and clawing at her face.
"At first I thought it was Kevin Federline throwing another tantrum," said one of the fashion consultants at Agent Provocateur.
Hilton, 26, did not suffer any damage during the brief attack, but she did require treatment on the scene for second-degree make-up disturbance. Following treatment, she hooked the monkey to a leash, chained it to a cabinet, and proceeded with her shopping.
According to one of Hilton's assistants, Baby Luv became enraged when she discovered they weren't stopping at PetSmart first, as Hilton had promised.
Steve Irwin, the Croc Hunter, disagrees. "Kinkajous are nocturnal, like Hilton," he told the LA Times. "Baby Luv was probably cranky at being deprived of her daily sleep."
In other news . . .
Phone Sex Spreads among College Students
MILLERSVILLE, Penna. - According to the dean of the college of education of Millersville University, we can add sex to the burgeoning list of activities that students engage in while talking on their cell phones.
"We're used to seeing students talking on their cell phones while walking across campus, doing research in the library, and eating in the cafeteria," said Dean Kenyata Miller, "but the phenomenon of talking on a cell phone while engaging in sex is a disturbing trend. It suggests a fear of intimacy and an unhealthy reliance on peer approval."
Denise Miller, an elementary education major, disagrees.
"I don't think sex is anything to be ashamed of," said Miller. "It's something beautiful that I want to share with my friends, like telling them about a new CD or a movie I enjoyed. Besides, if I call my roommate to tell her I'm having sex right now, it avoids the embarrassing possibility of her walking in on us."
Harlan Miller, coach of the men's basketball team, warns that students who used their cell phones to film themselves while having sex "run the risk of overexposure." According to Miller, a substitute power forward on his team accidentally hit the "send to all" button on his Sony Ericsson S710a and e-mailed a photo of his encounter to everyone in his address book, including his parents, girlfriend, and academic advisor.
Next Oprah: What Our Pets Tell Us about Our Sexuality
Many people know that certain gemstones, power phrases, and colors are associated with different signs of the zodiac. Only the true stargazer understands, however, the relationships among small appliances and zodiac signs. If you're always a few nachos short of a grande, you should open your mind to the voice of the small appliance that rules your universe—especially if that appliance is hissing or emiting sparks.
Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21): Although panic and campaign buttons aren't standard equipment on most Chef John blenders, yours is equipped with them. You will need the panic button when the candidate you support in a school board election is caught on a live mic calling the head of the school board a cunt.
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19): Be the envy of the zodiac with your Elvis Presley Solar-Powered Walking Stick and Eight-Track Flashback. The Gladys model doubles as a dowser that shimmies whenever an Elvis sighting is immanent, say, at a Popeyes or Krispy Kremes.
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18): Thanks to the Quentin Tarentino Home Movie Splicer there's no need for cats to suck the breath out of babies any more. Now you can edit the little crumb snatchers out of home movies and replace them with cartoon monsters.
Pisces (2/19 - 3/20): Behind every successful Pisces there's a steam iron. George Washington, for example, used a crude form of a steam iron to press his uniform before posing for that famous photo op of him crossing the Delaware. Unfortunately, there wasn't time for the other men in the photo to borrow Washington's iron.
Aries (3/21 - 4/19): Your fastidiousness and passion for order are governed by the Sterile-matic Continuous-Clean Toaster. Unlike most people, whose toaster pans contain calcified nuggets with the mineral properties of fertilizer, your Sterile-matic and, by extension, your life are gleaming monuments to civility.
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20): The constellation Amana passing through the House of Proctor and Gamble designates the crockpot as your ruling small appliance. Unfortunately, the crockpot signifies both the pleasure of cooking for a family and the loneliness of the mechanized meal. Heads you win, tails you eat alone.
Gemini (5/21 - 6/21): The Katy Perry iPod rocks the Gemini world with high-production-values sensitivity. An 8-gigabyte memory is standard equipment on this gem, so no matter how often your muse comes singing in the mist, there will always be room for the rhymes she inspires.
Cancer (6/22 - 7/22): Cancerians owe their clear skin to the Digital Electronic Cold Sore Eliminator. Blind dates, important job interviews, appearances in police lineups—with the Electronic Zit Remover you can make a smooth appearance whatever the occasion. Those walking STD incubators Lena Dunham and Amy Schumer swear by theirs. You will, too.
Leo (7/23 - 8/22): Portable, battery-operated desk fans are associated with many influential persons. No matter what your Leo body type—Mick Jagger, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Mae West—a desk fan can help to keep you cool. Mick never leaves home, his own or his latest model friend's, without his.
Virgo (8/23 - 9/22): Your ruling cosmic appliance—a Dual-Action Reading Light and Self-Cleaning Fish Scaler—will become exceedingly scarce and valuable after it is demonstrated by Martha Stewart on a shopping channel segment sponsored by the National Organization of Women.
Libra (9/23 - 10/23): David Chang Electronic Chopsticks-Cum-Knitting Needles are the perfect appliance for Librans on the go. Why overdose on greasy wontons and calory-laden duck sauce when you can knit one and purl two while you're waiting for your steamed selections from column A and column B to arrive.
Scorpio (10/24 - 11/21): The Lidia Bastianich Air Freshener and Pasta Maker satisfies your passion for practicality. You can prepare dinner without worrying that your tricolored tortellini will be compromised by litter box odor while you try to impress that important family member or friend.
The Gift of GAB
Fuck those Twitter girly men and pearl clutchers. They banned all the cool kids like Milo, so all the cool kids are matriculating to GAB, where free spech matters.
Contact Us or Else
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