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Your sex life is a shareware program about to expire. One-size-fits-all gloves don't come in your size. If dreams took human form, yours would be wearing toe tags. The planets, the traffic lights, even the local Girl Scout troop will line up against you. Have you insulted one of the mothers of the gods recently or what?
The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.>
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Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.
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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive readers who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.
Paris Hilton's Monkey Goes Ape Nov 16, 2005 - 6:36
Paris and Baby Luv seconds before the vicious attack.
LOS ANGELES - Paris Hilton went shopping for lingerie with Baby Luv, her pet kinkajou, last Saturday. As the pair entered Agent Provocateur, a designer boutique, Baby Luv flew into a rage, screaming at Hilton then biting her and clawing at her face.
"At first I thought it was Kevin Federline throwing another tantrum," said one of the fashion consultants at Agent Provocateur.
Hilton, 26, did not suffer any damage during the brief attack, but she did require treatment on the scene for second-degree make-up disturbance. Following treatment, she hooked the monkey to a leash, chained it to a cabinet, and proceeded with her shopping.
According to one of Hilton's assistants, Baby Luv became enraged when she discovered they weren't stopping at PetSmart first, as Hilton had promised.
Steve Irwin, the Croc Hunter, disagrees. "Kinkajous are nocturnal, like Hilton," he told the LA Times. "Baby Luv was probably cranky at being deprived of her daily sleep."
In other news . . .
Phone Sex Spreads among College Students
MILLERSVILLE, Penna. - According to the dean of the college of education of Millersville University, we can add sex to the burgeoning list of activities that students engage in while talking on their cell phones.
"We're used to seeing students talking on their cell phones while walking across campus, doing research in the library, and eating in the cafeteria," said Dean Kenyata Miller, "but the phenomenon of talking on a cell phone while engaging in sex is a disturbing trend. It suggests a fear of intimacy and an unhealthy reliance on peer approval."
Denise Miller, an elementary education major, disagrees.
"I don't think sex is anything to be ashamed of," said Miller. "It's something beautiful that I want to share with my friends, like telling them about a new CD or a movie I enjoyed. Besides, if I call my roommate to tell her I'm having sex right now, it avoids the embarrassing possibility of her walking in on us."
Harlan Miller, coach of the men's basketball team, warns that students who used their cell phones to film themselves while having sex "run the risk of overexposure." According to Miller, a substitute power forward on his team accidentally hit the "send to all" button on his Sony Ericsson S710a and e-mailed a photo of his encounter to everyone in his address book, including his parents, girlfriend, and academic advisor.
Next Oprah: What Our Pets Tell Us about Our Sexuality
We have all heard the jokes about Henry 8 of England beheading his wives because he was looking for a little different head himself. If our knowledge of Hammerin' Hank stopped there, however, our lives would be the poorer. Henry the Swordsman and his wives, their families, lovers, ex-husbands, ladies in waiting, and ladies in heat (many of whom were the king's mistresses) constituted a cluster-fuck version of Camelot because they certainly came a lot.
1. Catherine of Aragon, the __________ (first, last, second-from-the-right) wife of Henry 8 was previously married to Henry's __________ (brother, son, agent).
2. Catherine claimed that her first marriage had never been __________ ("well and truly blessed," conducted in Latin, "well and truly consummated").
3. When Catherine and Henry 8 were betrothed, Henry was too young to __________ (marry; drive a carriage alone after dark; sit his O levels).
4. Some historians claim that Henry's second wife, Anne Boleyn, had __________ (a sixth finger, a third nipple, bleeding hemorrhoids).
5. The Rolling Stones song __________ ("Under My Thumb," "Bitch," "Brown Sugar") was written about Henry's fourth wife, Anne of Cleeves.
6. The only one of Henry's wives to be buried with him was __________ (Catherine Parr, Jane Seymour, neither of the above).
7. Henry 8 referred to Anne of Cleeves as __________ (a Flanders mare, one gassy old cow, a dyke in a blanket).
8. When Kathryn Howard, 19, married Henry, 49, she was __________ (no longer even pretending to be a virgin; sleeping with her stable boy and his cousin; dyslexic).
9. Henry, meanwhile, was losing __________ (his hair, mind, ability to maintain an erection).
10. Henry's last wife, Catherine Parr, was named after __________ (Henry's first wife; her father's favorite hunting dog, "Old Parr"; herself).
11. When Henry 8 died in 1547 at the age of fifty-five, he __________ (weighed 420 pounds; had lost all feeling in his left leg; couldn't remember the names of any of his wives).