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Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton Discuss Sex in Jail
Nov 18, 2007, 12:31
MACON CITY, Geo. - Making good on their pledge to help change the world, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, and Paris Hilton held a panel discussion that airs on The Oprah Winfrey Show Tuesday November 20.
The discussion—filmed yesterday at the Macon City, Georgia, auditorium—concerns an aspect of the celebrity prison experience that ordinarily goes unexamined: the sexual lives of inmates.
"We've all heard stories about prisons being havens for sexual predators," said Oprah as she introduced the panel, "but what really happens when healthy young girlfriends are deprived of their customary sexual outlets—even for an hour and a half."
According to a source close to the show, Ms. Lohan observed at one point, "I could deal with giving up coke and vodka, but going without sex made the time I spent in jail seen like an eternity. I was totally not ready for that. I'm glad they let me out when they did."
Ms. Lohan, who spent eighty-four minutes in a holding cell at the Los Angeles County women's detention center in Lynwood last week, drew throaty, raucous laughter when she revealed that after she had been released from jail, she "went straight home and spent the rest of the day soaking in a hot tub with several of my favorite toys."
Nicole Richie spent two fewer minutes in jail than Lindsay Lohan did, but Ms. Richie had been warned by her on-again-off-again BFF, Paris Hilton, that opportunities for meaningful sex in prison would be scare.
"My electric bill must have gone through the roof the day before I reported to jail," said Ms. Richie. "I was so worn out by the time I got to jail, I could have done those eighty-two minutes standing on my head, which is basically what I had been doing at home to prepare for my sentence."
The godmother of this jail-hardened trio, Paris Hilton, may have been the only one actually to have had sex behind bars.
When an audience member asked Ms. Hilton if she had had sex in jail, the heiress replied, "By myself or with someone else?"
Ms. Hilton did allow that the fear of going without sex—or, worse yet, of being photographed while having sex with herself or another inmate —is what led to her break down when she was returned to prison after having been being released early by Sheriff Lee Baca.
"Prison is no place for a sexually attractive woman who isn't used to getting jacked up by some two-hundred-pound dyke wearing a strap-on the size of Colin Farrell," said Ms. Hilton.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
