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Your sex life is a shareware program about to expire. One-size-fits-all gloves don't come in your size. If dreams took human form, yours would be wearing toe tags. The planets, the traffic lights, even the local Girl Scout troop will line up against you. Have you insulted one of the mothers of the gods recently or what?
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Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.>
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The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.
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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive readers who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.
Rachael Ray Sex Videos, the Director's Cuts, Available Friday Nov 21, 2007 - 12:14
NEW YORK - The long-awaited director's cuts of the Rachael Ray sex videos, "Thirty-Minute Ménages" and "Rachael Ray for $40 a Day," will be available this Friday. These never-before-released, artisanal creations, packaged in a black-truffle-scented, box-set edition, contain roughly sixty-nine minutes of additional, lip-smacking footage.
"Sometimes you just can't get all the junk into your trunk in thirty minutes," says the irrepressible cook in the liner notes to the director's cuts.
"That's why we decided to spread out," adds Ms. Ray, who could never be accused of spreading herself too thin.
In her original sex videos, the cook that everybody loves to hate poked triple-X-rated fun at her annoyingly perky image by appearing in a series of loud, raucous sexual encounters with a variety of partners and foodstuffs, including a prize-winning zucchini named Buster.
"Hi, I'm Rachael Ray!" she announces as she bounds onto her kitchen set wearing nothing but a crotchless apron.
"I'll bet you've never seen a kitchen with stirrups in it before! Awesome! In the next thirty minutes I'm going to show you how you can whip up a tasty, wholesome meal while balling your brains out, and without burning your butt on the stove! Awesome! I'm getting hungry—and horny—just thinking about it! Let's get cooking!"
Ms. Ray then whips off her apron and twirls it over her head. As she is joined on the set by two impressive-looking men in loincloths, she giggles, "Meat! It's what's for dinner! Bring on the EVOO!"
The director's cut of "Thirty-Minute Ménages," filmed by Ms. Ray's younger brother, Manny, features additional footage in which chef Mario Batali and R.E.M.'s Michael Stipe assist Ms. Ray in whipping up an exquisite risotto.
Rachael and Buster the zucchini.
Also featured in this expanded video is Ms. Ray's hilarious spoof on the small-plates vogue.
"If my titties don't qualify as small plates, I don't know what does," says Ms. Ray as Mr. Batali drizzles thirty-five-year-old balsamic vinegar and fried basil bits over her breasts.
The second video, "Rachael Ray for $40 a Day," features the spunky, 5'3" dynamo having sex in "several famous cities" around the world in lodgings that cost $40 a day or fewer.
"Hi! This is Rachael Ray!" the video begins, "and I'm here to tell you, you don't have to spend a lot of money having sex on clean, six-hundred-thread count sheets to have a good time! I'm also here to tell you I'm not wearing any underwear! Hee, hee, hee!"
In the director's cut of this video, also filmed by her brother, Ms. Ray has no-holes-barred sex with multiple, camouflage-clad partners in a Baghdad café.
"Awesome!" says Ms. Ray as the tenth-and-last soldier departs. "That sends the right message to the troops! Hee, hee, hee. Who says the surge isn't working!"
We have all heard the jokes about Henry 8 of England beheading his wives because he was looking for a little different head himself. If our knowledge of Hammerin' Hank stopped there, however, our lives would be the poorer. Henry the Swordsman and his wives, their families, lovers, ex-husbands, ladies in waiting, and ladies in heat (many of whom were the king's mistresses) constituted a cluster-fuck version of Camelot because they certainly came a lot.
1. Catherine of Aragon, the __________ (first, last, second-from-the-right) wife of Henry 8 was previously married to Henry's __________ (brother, son, agent).
2. Catherine claimed that her first marriage had never been __________ ("well and truly blessed," conducted in Latin, "well and truly consummated").
3. When Catherine and Henry 8 were betrothed, Henry was too young to __________ (marry; drive a carriage alone after dark; sit his O levels).
4. Some historians claim that Henry's second wife, Anne Boleyn, had __________ (a sixth finger, a third nipple, bleeding hemorrhoids).
5. The Rolling Stones song __________ ("Under My Thumb," "Bitch," "Brown Sugar") was written about Henry's fourth wife, Anne of Cleeves.
6. The only one of Henry's wives to be buried with him was __________ (Catherine Parr, Jane Seymour, neither of the above).
7. Henry 8 referred to Anne of Cleeves as __________ (a Flanders mare, one gassy old cow, a dyke in a blanket).
8. When Kathryn Howard, 19, married Henry, 49, she was __________ (no longer even pretending to be a virgin; sleeping with her stable boy and his cousin; dyslexic).
9. Henry, meanwhile, was losing __________ (his hair, mind, ability to maintain an erection).
10. Henry's last wife, Catherine Parr, was named after __________ (Henry's first wife; her father's favorite hunting dog, "Old Parr"; herself).
11. When Henry 8 died in 1547 at the age of fifty-five, he __________ (weighed 420 pounds; had lost all feeling in his left leg; couldn't remember the names of any of his wives).