Through a rare but infrequent case of cross-mutation, your zip code and DNA will be transformed, and you will be seized with an overwhelming urge to open fire on your coworkers. By wetting your finger and pressing it onto an electric socket, you can transfer the effects of that mutation into an urge to dress like Lady GaGa.
Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Katie Holmes Thanksgiving Message
Nov 23, 2006, 10:12
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - This Thanksgiving, while you're stuffing yourself with enough food to sustain a Third World orphan for a year—wishing that your bore-ass of a brother- in-law would choke on a drumstick and that your family members were more fashionably dressed—remember that Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Katie Holmes, and other celebrities observe Thanksgiving just as you do, except they have lots more to be thankful about.
It's also true, however, that celebrities have a lot more to regret than you do. When you get drunk and make a sex video with an ill-considered partner, that partner will look the fool threatening to sell the video for pots of money; so if you made the mistake of marrying the doofus starring opposite you in the video, you needn't worry about his or her profiting from footage of you in the Seven Stars around the Moon position. The worst that can happen is you'll wind up on YouTube as somebody's masturbation fantasy du jour—and the next time you go to the employees lounge at work, everyone will suddenly stop talking.
In order to bring that message home in a meaningful and inspiring way this Thanksgiving, Postcards from the Pug Bus e-mailed the publicists for a number of your favorite celebrities, asking what their clients most regret this year.
Britney Spears: "Hi, all y'all, and happy Turkey Day. What do I regret? Do stretch marks count? What about dropping babies? Seriously, if I had regrets they'd have to be about last weekend in Vegas with Paris Hilton. Sheeesh! That girlfriend can put it away. I had explosive vomiting and projectile diarrhea for days from trying to keep up with her. Yuck!
Paris Hilton: Cheers, everyone. Regrets? I've had a few, but then again too few to mention. Ha-ha. If I were going to mention regrets, I'd probably say I regret that Valtrex didn't release its Repeat Offender STD salve until it was too late to do me any good.
Katie Holmes: Greetings, Earth People. Scientology teaches that regret is a waste of time, a fiendish mind-control device invented by Xenu to keep us enslaved to our engrams. We control our own destinies. If I choose to stand in a hole so Tommy looks taller than me in our wedding photo, I own that decision. I don't regret it, and I certainly don't regret having a baby by an alien if that's the way Tommy wanted it.
Rod Stewart: Hey, mates. You might think a bloke with seven kids would have plenty to regret, but I can honestly say I've enjoyed hearing about every minute of my kids' growing years. No matter how busy I've been, I've always made time to call their various mothers and ask how the kids are doing. If I had to name one regret, I'd say it's this business with my daughter Kimberly, 26 she is, I think, burning out her liver from excess drinking. When I heard about that, I almost dropped my cell phone. I must call her sometime and ask if she needs anything.
Through a rare but infrequent case of cross-mutation, your zip code and DNA will be transformed, and you will be seized with an overwhelming urge to open fire on your coworkers. By wetting your finger and pressing it onto an electric socket, you can transfer the effects of that mutation into an urge to dress like Lady GaGa.
