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Tom Cruise Buys Sonogram to Control Baby's Development
Nov 24, 2005, 06:00
Scientologists believe six-fingered children have special powers.
NEW YORK - Tom Cruise, who famously jumped the couch on Oprah, is determined to jump the placental barrier with the help of a sonogram machine. In an interview taped on October 30 with Barbara Walters, Cruise revealed that he had purchased a sonogram for his expectant fiancée Katie Holmes.
The device, an L. Ron Hubbard Sonoblaster Deluxe, will go on sale on the Scientology website starting December 1 at a price of $199,999.99 with a $10,000 mail-in rebate. Batteries are not included, and there is some assembly required.
"You might say we're theta testers," laughed Cruise, whose interview is part of the upcoming special Barbara Walters Presents: The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2005, which airs November 29 on ABC.
Although Cruise does not believe in drugs—and has asked Holmes to remain silent throughout her gestation and delivery—he is a major fan of technology. He touted the Sonoblaster as a means for parents to "exert control over their children" virtually from the time they are conceived.
"So-called traditional parents like Brooke Shields and people of her ilk are content to leave their children exposed to all kinds of influences in utero," said Cruise. "What those people are too glib to realize is, we become parents the minute a child is conceived, not when a child is born. As Scientologists we've got a duty to start monitoring a child's development as soon as possible."
The Scientology cult of which Cruise is the most prominent member was founded in 1954 by science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard, who claimed to have a vacation home on the planet Venus. Scientologists like Cruise, Beck, Kirstie Alley, Greta van Susteren, John Travolta, Jenna Elfman, and Karl Rove believe all human beings are Thetans, the descendants of two creatures from another galaxy who were left on Earth by the Mothership millions of years ago.
Thetans are doomed to endure successive lives on Earth because they are born with Original Dysfunction, a state of confusion and longing for drugs inherited from the two original Thetans, Mork and Mindy, who refused to donate any of their fruit to the First Universal Cooperative. Therefore, all Thetans are possessed of Engrams: physical and emotional scars acquired in previous lives.
By rigorous monitoring and cleansing—which can be purchased by cash, money order, or credit card other than American Express—Thetans can eventually become clear, i.e., free of Engrams and fabulously wealthy. Once Thetans have become fabulously wealthy, they can afford to buy their way onto the Mothership and eternal bliss.
Cruise hopes to jump start this process with the aid of the Sonoblaster.
"If we see Engrams developing in our child, we can use the Sonoblaster to isolate and eradicate them," said Cruise. "It will, ideally, be born free of Engrams, which can potentially save it a lot of money in the long run."
"It?" said a startled Walters. "You mean you spent $200,000 on a sonogram and you don't even know what sex your baby is."
"The monitor may need recalibrating," say Cruise. "Either that or I zapped the little critter's willy off while I was attempting to eradicate an Engram."
Next Oprah: Why African Americans Find the Term Black Friday Offensive
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
