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You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
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McNabb Out of Patriots Game, Spread Falls to Sixteen
Nov 24, 2007, 14:51
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PHILADELPHIA - Las Vegas oddsmakers have reacted to the news that Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb will miss tomorrow night's game against the undefeated New England patriots by dropping the spread on the game from twenty-four to sixteen points.

"With Donovan out it's a whole new dynamic," said oddsmaker Vegas Vic. "The Eagles are a much more dangerous team when they're running the ball."

Mr. McNabb, who has led the Eagles to a five-and-five record this season, is still recovering from a bruised ego suffered during a miserable first half against the winless Miami Dolphins last Sunday. He is also nursing a swollen opinion of his own abilities that has affected his accuracy all season.

A.J. Feeley, who led the Eagles to victory after taking over from a struggling Mr. McNabb during the Dolphins game last week, is expected to start against the Patriots.

Coach Bill Belichick of the Patriots said he "couldn't give a big rat's ass" whom the Eagles start at quarterback.

"They could put Natalee Holloway under center and we'd still kick their cracks up the butt in the Liberty Bell," snarled Mr. Belichick before hanging up on reporters during a conference call with sports writers earlier today.

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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.