You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
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Jessica Simpson Blames Split on Mensa Society
Nov 25, 2005, 07:45
HOLLYWOOD - In a statement released today, Jessica Simpson blamed Mensa, the high IQ society, for her split with Nick Lachey, her husband of three years. Simpson, 25, star of Newlyweds and The Dukes of Hazzard, claimed that her involvement with Mensa was "the straw in the ointment" that doomed her already shaky union with Lachey, 32.
"My husband, for whom I have the upmost respect, was threatened by my association with men with big IQs," said Simpson, who achieved notoriety for believing Chicken of the Sea tuna was actually chicken. "I tried to reassure my husband that size doesn't matter, but his infections were already alienated. He feared that he was in under his head."
Simpson had recently become the poster child for a Mensa recruitment campaign. The society, which boasts more than fifty thousand members in the United States—none of whom work in government—is open to anyone who scores at or above the ninety-eighth percentile "on an accepted, standardized intelligence test."
Because Simpson's IQ is reported to be unmeasurable, Mensa chose her as the female mind of its 2006 recruitment campaign. The role of the male mind has reportedly gone to Kevin Federline.
Jessica Simpson, who obviously had something up her sleeve, was seen recently with Pete Doherty lookalike Trace Ayala.
In the first ad for the Mensa campaign, which will air on Super Bowl Sunday, Simpson appears in her Daisy Dukes cutoff shorts. She is sprawled on a bale of hay occupied with a volume of Kierkegaard. Stretching languorously she looks up from her book and says, "I'm tired of men who only look at my body when they see me. That's why I'm saving myself for a Mensa man." As Simpson is speaking, a crawler across the bottom of the screen announces, "If your mind matters, call (817)607-0060 for a free in-home IQ assessment."
When Simpson and Lachey wed in October 2002, they were moderately successful pop singers. She was overshadowed by Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera; he was a member of the boy band 98 Degrees, which sold far fewer albums than 'N Sync and Backstreet Boys. The couple made their bones in the reality show Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica, which chronicled their adventures in their California home. The show ran for three seasons, driven largely by Simpson's spot-on blond-joke imitations. She thought, for example, that buffalo wings were made from buffalo meat.
Not long after Newlyweds had premiered in August 2003, People magazine reported, "Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey cry, coo, bicker, and make up as MTV follows their first year of marriage."
Soon the crying was outpacing the cooing as Simpson's star rose while Lachey's didn't. She was a popular if not a critical success in last summer's The Dukes of Hazzard movie for which she is all but certain to be nominated for a Golden Raspberry Award. Her success only served to underscore the fact that Lachey's first solo album, SoulO, released in November 2003, had sold all of forty-one copies and wasn't even being pirated.
Next Oprah: Using Your Brain as a Sex Organ
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
