Spam Condoms Make Great Christmas Stocking Stuffers
Nov 25, 2007, 13:14
WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Just in time for the Christmas season, Hormel Foods, makers of Spam, have added condoms to the ever-growing catalog of novelty gift items bearing the popular foodstuff's name.
The ultrasensitive Spam Meat Locker,™ rolled out in stores across the United States on Friday, is available in snack, regular, and hambone sizes. Meat Lockers™ are made entirely of pig lips, skin, entrails, and connective tissue—items that used to be found in every can of Spam.
Calling the Meat Locker™ "the perfect gift for the man who has everything or the woman who wants it," Hormel's chief information officer, Talbert D. Michaels, predicted company stock would rise on the news that Spam would be making money off pig byproducts once again.
Mr. Michaels also said that he expected Meat Lockers™ to "make a splash" in the $500-million annual revenue stream generated by the sales of Spam kitsch online, where shoppers can buy everything Spam, from coin purses to sandals, oven mitts to shoelaces, fly swatters to hockey pucks, and a thousand items more.
"For Spam lovers the meat is the message," said Mr. Michaels, "and what safer way to drive that message home than in a Spam Meat Locker™ condom? Whether you're puttin' your stash in her gash or your ham in her can, this is the love glove for you."
The multimedia advertising campaign for Spam Meat Lockers,™ which debuts during the New England Patriots-Philadelphia Eagles football game tonight, will feature celebrities such as Snoop Dogg, Kid Rock, Tommy Lee, Tara Reid,and Vanessa Hudgens.
Mr. Michaels went to some length to reassure Spam fanatics that even though Meat Lockers™ are available only in the Minimalist style, pictured this page, Spam expects to roll out additional styles in the near future, including a yellow-and-blue Spam checkerboard model called the Jokester.™
If Meat Lockers™ turn out to be a good fit for Spam faithful, expect to see affinity styles available for sports enthusiasts. In fact, Spam is presently in discussions with the National Football League, which wants to market team-pride condoms with logos of NFL teams imprinted on the condoms' heads.
In a beta version of the initial ad for this campaign, Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens stands naked facing the camera holding his helmet over his goal post while Nicollette Sheridan, who is also naked, grovels at his feet, fondling herself. Meanwhile a voiceover says, "The NFL wants to put its helmets on yours."
In related news, a source close to Hormel revealed that the company is also test marketing Spam-flavored edible underwear in tilapia, tuna, and two-sets-of-tennis flavors.
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