You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Ann Coulter Poses Nude for Esquire
Nov 28, 2006, 06:41
LOS ANGELES - This grave, grand room with its Isfahan carpet, mahogany desk and bookshelves, and sofa of wine-colored leather, could almost be a judge's chambers. Or my shrink's office.
Except reclining Cleopatra-style on that sofa is none other than Ann Coulter. She's wrapped in a kimono of royal blue silk—"The color of the Virgin Mary," she laughs softly—and nothing else. In less time than it takes me to write this, she will unwrap herself and pose for the photographers, who are fussing with their lights.
Yes, I am speaking of the Ann Coulter: pundit, author of Godless, frequent foil for Fox News' Alan Colmes, and right-wing America's queen of mean. She's lanced many a Hollywood celebrity for pulling this kind of stunt, so what gives now? Is Coulter making the ultimate ironic gesture? Or is the one-time top jurist truly convinced that disclosing her willowy corpus, for photos due to appear this spring in Esquire, will enable her to command higher fees on the lecture circuit?
ML: Why, Ann? Why? AC: I'm not doing it because I drank too many Red Bulls, I can promise you that much. Hi, Britney! Nice to see you back in form.
ML: Seriously. AC: Seriously? OK. I'm doing this because I can. I'm a beautiful woman with a beautiful body in a field dominated by stiffs in suits and tortoiseshells. Hundreds of thousands of people actually want to see me naked. Who would want to see George Will naked? His mother, or if she's dead, maybe his doctor.
ML: You really think that many men find you desirable? AC: If mash notes were votes, I'd be president-for-life. I get more imploring messages each month than the Wailing Wall.
ML: I guess certain people do have a lot of time on their hands. AC: Very funny. The wards of the state are too busy listening to Air America to know who I am. My demographic is the quality—investment bankers, corporatate lawyers, captains of industry. Just last week an Episcopalian bishop boxed his little bishop in front of a webcam and sent me the video, wasn't that nice? Actually, that was probably a mistake. If he was Episcopalian, he must have meant to send it to Jonah Goldberg.
ML: Touche, touche, touche. So why are these hotshots looking to media figures for their jollies? AC: Why else? Because contemporary American women don't do it for them anymore. They can't possibly. They've read so much [1960s feminist] Bella Abzug that they've started to look like her.
ML: So we're all looking for a new ideal and you're it? AC: You could do a lot worse. Look at Hollywood harpies like Julia Roberts and Jennifer Aniston. None of them has the brains to spell GOP, much less vote that way.
ML: You don't think Michelle Malkin could fill the role? AC: Ah, Michelle. Her writing's good, but she's too into the mom role to start a revolution. But, hey, you might want to sit near her on an airplane in case she starts nursing. Turn your head now. I have skin to show.
ML: I don't get to watch? AC. You're nowhere near my demographic.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
