Through a rare but infrequent case of cross-mutation, your zip code and DNA will be transformed, and you will be seized with an overwhelming urge to open fire on your coworkers. By wetting your finger and pressing it onto an electric socket, you can transfer the effects of that mutation into an urge to dress like Lady GaGa.
All NFL Players Will Wear Sean Taylor’s Number
Nov 28, 2007, 16:42
NEW YORK – NFL Commissioner Roger Goodall announced today that all NFL players will wear slain Washington Redskins safety Sean Taylor’s number on their jerseys in place of their own numbers for the remainder of the regular season.
“The NFL is a family, dysfunctional or otherwise,” said Commissioner Goodall, “and when a family member dies, his memory has to be respected even if the games must go on.”
The commissioner’s announcement caught several NFL teams by surprise.
“We were expecting to wear a small decal on our helmets with Number 21’s number in it—or an armband maybe,” said Bill Belichick, coach of the undefeated New England Patriots. “This is going to make spying on people a bit tricky.”
Mr. Belichick added that he believed the decision to replace all jersey numbers with Mr. Taylor’s “is aimed directly at us. This league is so obsessed with parity I’m surprised it didn’t mandate a one-number-fits-all system a long time ago.”
The winless Miami Dolphins welcomed the opportunity to shield their identities behind Mr. Taylor’s old number though running back Ricky Williams thought 420 would be “a more appropriate number” for NFL players to wear.
Tampa Bay Coach Jon Gruden said the change will be “a disaster” for coaches, who seldom know all their players’ names and resort to calling them by their numbers.
Nevertheless, Commissioner Goodall said he did not expect—nor would he tolerate—any deviations from his edict.
In related news, Philadelphia Eagles coach, Andy Reid, announced that injured quarterback Donovan McNabb will not start for the Eagles against the Seattle Seahawks this week.
“Donnie’s still experiencing a little soreness in his boo-boo thumb,” said Coach Reid.
A rival coach, however, said McNabb was being held out until he could get used to the idea of walking a mile in another man’s jersey.
Through a rare but infrequent case of cross-mutation, your zip code and DNA will be transformed, and you will be seized with an overwhelming urge to open fire on your coworkers. By wetting your finger and pressing it onto an electric socket, you can transfer the effects of that mutation into an urge to dress like Lady GaGa.
