Pet Psychic Warns Against Letting Animals Watch
Nov 30, 2006, 12:39
NEW YORK - Popular animal psychic Sonia Fitzgerald used the bully pulpit of her Animal Planet television show to warn people about the dangers of having sex in front of their pets. Calling this practice "the single most damaging thing that pet owners can do to harm their animals' psyches,” Ms. Fitzgerald suggested that before pet owners get busy they should make sure their animals are confined safely in another part of the house.
According to Ms. Fitzgerald, a former top fashion model, most unexplained animal behavior problems are simply the result of "too much exposure to human sexuality.”
If your dog breaks into the hamper and chews your dirty underwear, if your cat sits on the coffee table trying to lick the fur off its privates whenever you have company, if your bird straddles the bar of its perch and masturbates, there's no point in disciplining the animal if it's been watching you and your partner making love at night.
Ms. Fitzgerald, author of What the Animals Tell Me, claims that here lately animals have been telling her how freaked out they are at seeing their owners doing the nasty.
"I was talking to a three-year-old pug dog at Starbucks the other day,” said Ms. Fitzgerald. "She told me it was unbelievably stressful to watch her owners bumping uglies two or three times a week.”
Ms. Fitzgerald explained that small breeds like the pug can be especially traumatized by the sight of two people having it off because human genitalia appear threateningly large to a small dog.
"If you think about the difference between a pug dog's penis and the average human's penis, even the below-average penis, you can see what I'm talking about.”
Because small breeds cannot jump off the bed without injuring themselves, they have no place to hide when festivities break out, said Ms. Fitzgerald. "The poor little pug told me that even if she turns her head and closes her eyes, 'They make so much noise I can't ignore them.' I felt so sorry for that little dog. When her 'mother' starts calling for God, the dog has no way of knowing that her mother isn't being hurt.”
People who give pet names to their genitals "compound the trauma,” said Ms. Fitzgerald. "This shiz tzu was a nervous wreck because she thought there was a 'bald-headed man' that her mommy was supposed to kiss hiding somewhere under the covers.”
Although she was keen to impress upon her audience the dangers of letting animals watch, Ms. Fitzgerald reassured one caller from Alabama that there was no harm in humans watching animals going at it doggy style "if that's what bastes your turkey.”
