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Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan in Witches of Eastwick
Nov 30, 2006, 07:49
Lindsay demonstrates her magic white powder trick.
HOLLYWOOD - Viacom chairman, Sumner Redstone, is expected to announce early next week that Viacom subsidiary Paramount Pictures has signed Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan to star in a remake of the 1987 comedy-thriller The Witches of Eastwick.
"As soon as it's mission accomplished, Mr. Redstone will provide additional information," a Viacom executive told THEM Weekly.
In the meantime Hollywood is frothing over its lattes at the prospect of Mesdames Spears, Hilton, and Lohan playing witches in reel life and—ohmygod—appearing opposite Jack Nicholson, who just happens to have appeared opposite, not to mention on top of, Cher, Susan Sarandon, and Michelle Pfeiffer in the original Witches.
At sixty-nine Mr. Nicholson is as old as his costars are combined.
"That's no problem to me," he drawled. "I can think of a couple of ways I'd like to combine those sisters. I've done the washing by hand more than a few times to that Hilton chick's sex video (One Night in Paris)."
Paris and Britney rehearsing their shared fishnet stocking illusion.
According to Ms. Hilton's spokesman, Elliot Mintz, "The girls have been out looking for prospects day and night. They enjoy one another so much that the idea of starring in a movie together was a no brainer."
The three stars' chemistry and their enthusiasm for their joint venture were infectious during a brief conference call this morning.
"I've dabbled in magic for a couple of years now," said Paris Hilton. "The other night I made Britney's panties disappear."
"That's cool," said Lindsay Lohan. "Last year I nearly made myself disappear."
"And I made Kevin disappear," said Ms. Spears. "That Jack Nickerson dude won't be any match for us."
The girls have not seen the original Witches of Eastwick, nor do they have any idea what the remake is about. "Except we get to wear lots of cool clothes, do neat magic stuff, and go to hot clubs," said Ms. Lohan. "It's almost as if the movie was written for us."
Could there be another Razzie in Paris' future?
Although details about the new Witches of Eastwick script are guarded more closely than Katie Holmes' bathroom breaks, a minor editorial functionary at Paramount told THEM that Britney Spears' character has an affair with Jack Nicholson's character, who is secretly the devil. Ohmygod. Did somebody forget to say spoiler alert? My bad. Anyway, after she breaks off the affair, he puts a curse on her, and her powers no longer work if she's wearing panties.
"Britney's been pimping for that role," laughed Ms. Hilton. "She had her powers on display at Hyde last weekend."
"I call it pussy power," said Ms. Spears. "Get it? Pussy Power?"
Next Oprah: My most embarrassing moments getting out of cars.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
