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Britney Spears Pregnant Again, May Lose Custody of Vagina
Dec 2, 2007, 12:46
LOS ANGELES - Britney Spears is pregnant again, and the troubled singer is terrified she might lose custody of her vagina as a result. A source close to Ms. Spears, who turns twenty-six today, told THEM Weekly, "Britney's freaking out because this pregnancy is the last thing her vagina needs."
After subjecting her vagina to successive pregnancies and massive overexposure, Ms. Spears was cautioned by Los Angeles Superior Court judge Howard Miller that any further mistreatment of her vagina could result in her losing custody of it.
Despite the judge's warning, Ms. Spears continued to treat her vagina with cavalier disregard, allowing it to stay up late and to sleep late because that schedule coincided with Ms. Spears' gypsy lifestyle.
The judge was further troubled by photos showing Ms. Spears' vagina riding in a car with the top down without a proper restraint, but the piece de resistance was a report filed by a state vagina welfare official who visited Ms. Spears and her vagina several weeks ago.
In that report the official claimed that Ms. Spears treated her vagina more like a toy than a responsibility.
"I seldom heard Ms. Sears say no to her vagina," the official wrote. "Rather than disciplining it, her solution is to give it anything it wants just to keep it quiet."
This loosy goosy approach to vagina care is thought to be the reason for Ms. Spears' third pregnancy. Apparently her vagina had its eye on a back-up dancer named Chuck with whom Ms. Spears had a one-hour stand following a night of excessive drinking, drug use, and projectile vomiting in Los Angeles.
If Ms. Spears should lose custody of her vagina, it could become a ward of the state. Her ex-husband Kevin Federline has said he does not want anything more to do with Ms. Spears' vagina, and it's unlikely that she would consider allowing either of her parents to have custody.
"That didn't work in the past," said a close friend of Ms. Spears. "What her vagina needs at this point is tough love."
A source in Judge Miller's office said that if he does take away Ms. Spears' custody of her vagina, she will not be allowed to visit it overnight or even to interact with it unless a court-appointed vagina monitor is present.
In other news, Emily Sander, the community college student from Kansas who was murdered two weeks ago, will receive a withdrawal-passing grade for her major freshman project, "Establishing an Internet Presence on Adult Websites."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
