Having trouble timing the waves these days? After you've leapt nimbly onto your board, does the big one slam you to the ocean floor every damn time? Chill out, surfer person. It isn't Alzheimer's. Or Lyme disease. Or AADD. You forgot to set your clock ahead in April. When the big hand's on the little hand, sing a Beach Boys song. Most of them couldn't surf either.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Jessica Sierra First American Idol Sex Video Star
Dec 7, 2007, 14:22
"A zucchini isn't ripe until it's at least this long."
LOS ANGELES - Jessica Sierra, who shot to fame as the third contestant eliminated from American Idol 2005, has been a busy little beaver in the meantime.
She's been stalked; she's been arrested for bouncing a leaded cocktail glass off a man's head in a Florida bar; she's been in and out of rehab; and she's presently in jail awaiting a December 20 hearing on charges that she violated the terms of the probation she got for bouncing the glass off that numbnut's head in the bar.
Ms. Sierra's most recent transgressions include public drunkenness, vomiting in the back of a patrol car, spewing racial and sexual-preference epithets at policemen, then offering to fellate them if they agreed to forget the whole thing. Perhaps if she had opened her mouth before blowing chunks all over the inside of the police cruiser, the fuzz might have been able to overlook the herpes sores that dot her muzzle like chocolate chips in a Toll House cookie, but add a few half-digested deviled eggs to that equation, and you've got a definite no sale.
While Ms. Sierra, 22, has been busy as a beaver, her beaver hasn't exactly been sitting around idle. Word on the web has it that Ms. Sierra's beaver, 22, will star in a lurid, homemade sex video with a woman who bears more than a passing resemblance to Paula Abdul and two men—one of whom is a dead-ringer for Simon Cowell; the other could pass for Randy Jackson a hundred pounds ago.
In this video, whose working title is Here Come Da Judges, Ms. Sierra plays a young, innocent American Idol contestant who is preyed upon in turn by each of the three Idol judges.
Still photo from Here Come Da Judges.
First Ms. Abdul introduces Ms. Sierra to the joys of elongated vegetables under the guise of helping her with song selection for an upcoming edition of Idol. Their dalliance is uncovered when Simon Cowell finds pubic hairs in his cucumber salad and traces them back to Ms. Abdul.
Mr. Cowell suggests a manage a zucchini, which quickly degenerates into an all-you-can-eat salad bar when Mr. Jackson hears a god-awful racket coming from Ms. Abdul's dressing room and goes to investigate.
The video of this fun with the food pyramid has wound up in the hands of a major porn distributor, who wants to make it available for downloading at $39.95 before Christmas. So if there's anyone on your Christmas list who would get off watching a never-was who looks like a bus station hooker getting busy with three derelicts, you can cross that person of your Christmas list.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Ten Things You Should Flip the Bird to Before You Die 1. Religion
2. Voting
3. Seat Belts
4. Facebook
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. The Bucket List
7. Classical Music
8. Pissing Indoors All the Time
9. Hats
10. Going to Bed Early.
Having trouble timing the waves these days? After you've leapt nimbly onto your board, does the big one slam you to the ocean floor every damn time? Chill out, surfer person. It isn't Alzheimer's. Or Lyme disease. Or AADD. You forgot to set your clock ahead in April. When the big hand's on the little hand, sing a Beach Boys song. Most of them couldn't surf either.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
