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Your sex life is a shareware program about to expire. One-size-fits-all gloves don't come in your size. If dreams took human form, yours would be wearing toe tags. The planets, the traffic lights, even the local Girl Scout troop will line up against you. Have you insulted one of the mothers of the gods recently or what?
The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.>
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Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.
Strike a blow for freedom. Download music on the down low today. You can't beat the price. Get the skinny at Zeropaid.
Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive readers who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.
Jessica Sierra Sex Tape Shot in Motel 6, Exclusive Dec 8, 2007 - 9:12
"Let's cut the crap and get right to the strip search."
LAKELAND, Fla. - The Jessica Sierra sex tape, about to hit the Internet like a thousand pair of soiled panties flung against a wall, was shot in a Motel 6 in Florida, a source as close as anyone wants to get to the "singer" has revealed.
"Jessica was determined to keep it real, that's why she chose Motel 6."
For sure there's nothing more real than cavorting on eighty-count, grayed-out sheets dotted with stains that won't wash out.
In case you've been distracted by the antics of other American Idol graduates, Jessica Sierra is the common-looking singer—like that really narrows it down—who shot to fame after she was the third contestant eliminated from American Idol 2005.
Ms. Sierra has been a busy little beaver in the meantime. She's been stalked by a loser with three-and-a-half teeth; she's been arrested for bouncing a leaded cocktail glass off a man's head in a Florida bar; she's been in and out of rehab; and she's presently in jail awaiting a December 20 hearing on charges that she violated the terms of the probation she got for bouncing the glass off that sack of shit's head in the bar.
Ms. Sierra's most recent transgressions include public drunkenness, vomiting in the back of a patrol car, making terroristic treats at a police woman, offering to fellate the policewoman's partner if he agreed to forget the whole thing, then repeatedly calling him a [negro] after he had turned her down.
Perhaps if she had made her sporting offer before blowing chunks all over the inside of the police cruiser, the fuzz might have overlooked the herpes sores that dot her muzzle like chocolate chips in a Toll House cookie, but add a few half-digested deviled eggs to that equation, and you've got a definite no sale.
While Ms. Sierra, 22, has been busy as a beaver, her beaver hasn't exactly been sitting around idle, as the Motel 6 tape will soon reveal.
Also featured in the tape are a woman who bears more than a passing resemblance to Paula Abdul and two men—one of whom is a dead-ringer for Simon Cowell; the other could pass for Randy Jackson a hundred pounds ago.
"I thought you said these luxury suites came with free soap."
In this video, whose working title has been changed from We'll Leave the Light on for You to Here Come Da Judges, Ms. Sierra plays a young, innocent American Idol contestant who is preyed upon in turn by each of the three Idol judges.
First Ms. Abdul introduces Ms. Sierra to the joys of elongated vegetables while pretending to help her with song selection for an upcoming edition of Idol. Their dalliance is uncovered when Simon Cowell finds pubic hairs in his cucumber salad and traces them back to Ms. Abdul.
After threatening to blow the whistle on his fellow adjudicator, Mr. Cowell suggests a manage a zucchini, which quickly degenerates into an all-you-can-eat salad bar after Mr. Jackson hears a god-awful racket coming from Ms. Abdul's dressing room and goes to investigate.
The video of this fun with the food pyramid has wound up in the hands of a major porn distributor, who wants to make it available for downloading at $39.95 before Christmas. So if there's someone on your Christmas list who would get off watching a never-was who looks like a bus station hooker getting busy with three derelicts in a sleazy motel, you can cross that person of your Christmas list. Spencers adult gift section ain't got nothing like this.
We have all heard the jokes about Henry 8 of England beheading his wives because he was looking for a little different head himself. If our knowledge of Hammerin' Hank stopped there, however, our lives would be the poorer. Henry the Swordsman and his wives, their families, lovers, ex-husbands, ladies in waiting, and ladies in heat (many of whom were the king's mistresses) constituted a cluster-fuck version of Camelot because they certainly came a lot.
1. Catherine of Aragon, the __________ (first, last, second-from-the-right) wife of Henry 8 was previously married to Henry's __________ (brother, son, agent).
2. Catherine claimed that her first marriage had never been __________ ("well and truly blessed," conducted in Latin, "well and truly consummated").
3. When Catherine and Henry 8 were betrothed, Henry was too young to __________ (marry; drive a carriage alone after dark; sit his O levels).
4. Some historians claim that Henry's second wife, Anne Boleyn, had __________ (a sixth finger, a third nipple, bleeding hemorrhoids).
5. The Rolling Stones song __________ ("Under My Thumb," "Bitch," "Brown Sugar") was written about Henry's fourth wife, Anne of Cleeves.
6. The only one of Henry's wives to be buried with him was __________ (Catherine Parr, Jane Seymour, neither of the above).
7. Henry 8 referred to Anne of Cleeves as __________ (a Flanders mare, one gassy old cow, a dyke in a blanket).
8. When Kathryn Howard, 19, married Henry, 49, she was __________ (no longer even pretending to be a virgin; sleeping with her stable boy and his cousin; dyslexic).
9. Henry, meanwhile, was losing __________ (his hair, mind, ability to maintain an erection).
10. Henry's last wife, Catherine Parr, was named after __________ (Henry's first wife; her father's favorite hunting dog, "Old Parr"; herself).
11. When Henry 8 died in 1547 at the age of fifty-five, he __________ (weighed 420 pounds; had lost all feeling in his left leg; couldn't remember the names of any of his wives).