Your sun is in arrears and your moon is in contempt. Ordinarily this would mean that you should be incognito, but these are not ordinary times. The presence of the planet Dipthong in your literary house and the emergence of the Ringo star in your musical constellation point to the need for the bold initiative instead. Remember, the grand gesture is the prelude to grand success. Think large, live large, and-as Lane Bryant is my judge-large will be your shadow on the world's stage.
Jessica Sierra Sex Tape Shot in Motel 6, Exclusive
Dec 8, 2007, 09:12
"Let's cut the crap and get right to the strip search."
LAKELAND, Fla. - The Jessica Sierra sex tape, about to hit the Internet like a thousand pair of soiled panties flung against a wall, was shot in a Motel 6 in Florida, a source as close as anyone wants to get to the "singer" has revealed.
"Jessica was determined to keep it real, that's why she chose Motel 6."
For sure there's nothing more real than cavorting on eighty-count, grayed-out sheets dotted with stains that won't wash out.
In case you've been distracted by the antics of other American Idol graduates, Jessica Sierra is the common-looking singer—like that really narrows it down—who shot to fame after she was the third contestant eliminated from American Idol 2005.
Ms. Sierra has been a busy little beaver in the meantime. She's been stalked by a loser with three-and-a-half teeth; she's been arrested for bouncing a leaded cocktail glass off a man's head in a Florida bar; she's been in and out of rehab; and she's presently in jail awaiting a December 20 hearing on charges that she violated the terms of the probation she got for bouncing the glass off that sack of shit's head in the bar.
Ms. Sierra's most recent transgressions include public drunkenness, vomiting in the back of a patrol car, making terroristic treats at a police woman, offering to fellate the policewoman's partner if he agreed to forget the whole thing, then repeatedly calling him a [negro] after he had turned her down.
Perhaps if she had made her sporting offer before blowing chunks all over the inside of the police cruiser, the fuzz might have overlooked the herpes sores that dot her muzzle like chocolate chips in a Toll House cookie, but add a few half-digested deviled eggs to that equation, and you've got a definite no sale.
While Ms. Sierra, 22, has been busy as a beaver, her beaver hasn't exactly been sitting around idle, as the Motel 6 tape will soon reveal.
Also featured in the tape are a woman who bears more than a passing resemblance to Paula Abdul and two men—one of whom is a dead-ringer for Simon Cowell; the other could pass for Randy Jackson a hundred pounds ago.
"I thought you said these luxury suites came with free soap."
In this video, whose working title has been changed from We'll Leave the Light on for You to Here Come Da Judges, Ms. Sierra plays a young, innocent American Idol contestant who is preyed upon in turn by each of the three Idol judges.
First Ms. Abdul introduces Ms. Sierra to the joys of elongated vegetables while pretending to help her with song selection for an upcoming edition of Idol. Their dalliance is uncovered when Simon Cowell finds pubic hairs in his cucumber salad and traces them back to Ms. Abdul.
After threatening to blow the whistle on his fellow adjudicator, Mr. Cowell suggests a manage a zucchini, which quickly degenerates into an all-you-can-eat salad bar after Mr. Jackson hears a god-awful racket coming from Ms. Abdul's dressing room and goes to investigate.
The video of this fun with the food pyramid has wound up in the hands of a major porn distributor, who wants to make it available for downloading at $39.95 before Christmas. So if there's someone on your Christmas list who would get off watching a never-was who looks like a bus station hooker getting busy with three derelicts in a sleazy motel, you can cross that person of your Christmas list. Spencers adult gift section ain't got nothing like this.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Ten Things You Should Flip the Bird to Before You Die 1. Religion
3. Seat Belts
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. The Bucket List
7. Classical Music
8. Pissing Indoors All the Time
10. Going to Bed Early.