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The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery-smelling, dried-up, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.>
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Herein your fearless editor in briefs, who was deplorable long before deplorable was a meme, holds forth, but seldom holds his tongue, on a variety of topics ranging from the politicalization of sports to the emasculation of male college students to the idiocies of third-wave feminism to the reasons for the sudden prominence of white-interest™ movements to whatever fickles his nancy. You can check in any time you like, but come prepared to stay. Previous topics include, but are not limited to:
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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.
Jessica Sierra Sex Tape Shot in Motel 6, Exclusive Dec 8, 2007 - 9:12
"Let's cut the crap and get right to the strip search."
LAKELAND, Fla. - The Jessica Sierra sex tape, about to hit the Internet like a thousand pair of soiled panties flung against a wall, was shot in a Motel 6 in Florida, a source as close as anyone wants to get to the "singer" has revealed.
"Jessica was determined to keep it real, that's why she chose Motel 6."
For sure there's nothing more real than cavorting on eighty-count, grayed-out sheets dotted with stains that won't wash out.
In case you've been distracted by the antics of other American Idol graduates, Jessica Sierra is the common-looking singer—like that really narrows it down—who shot to fame after she was the third contestant eliminated from American Idol 2005.
Ms. Sierra has been a busy little beaver in the meantime. She's been stalked by a loser with three-and-a-half teeth; she's been arrested for bouncing a leaded cocktail glass off a man's head in a Florida bar; she's been in and out of rehab; and she's presently in jail awaiting a December 20 hearing on charges that she violated the terms of the probation she got for bouncing the glass off that sack of shit's head in the bar.
Ms. Sierra's most recent transgressions include public drunkenness, vomiting in the back of a patrol car, making terroristic treats at a police woman, offering to fellate the policewoman's partner if he agreed to forget the whole thing, then repeatedly calling him a [negro] after he had turned her down.
Perhaps if she had made her sporting offer before blowing chunks all over the inside of the police cruiser, the fuzz might have overlooked the herpes sores that dot her muzzle like chocolate chips in a Toll House cookie, but add a few half-digested deviled eggs to that equation, and you've got a definite no sale.
While Ms. Sierra, 22, has been busy as a beaver, her beaver hasn't exactly been sitting around idle, as the Motel 6 tape will soon reveal.
Also featured in the tape are a woman who bears more than a passing resemblance to Paula Abdul and two men—one of whom is a dead-ringer for Simon Cowell; the other could pass for Randy Jackson a hundred pounds ago.
"I thought you said these luxury suites came with free soap."
In this video, whose working title has been changed from We'll Leave the Light on for You to Here Come Da Judges, Ms. Sierra plays a young, innocent American Idol contestant who is preyed upon in turn by each of the three Idol judges.
First Ms. Abdul introduces Ms. Sierra to the joys of elongated vegetables while pretending to help her with song selection for an upcoming edition of Idol. Their dalliance is uncovered when Simon Cowell finds pubic hairs in his cucumber salad and traces them back to Ms. Abdul.
After threatening to blow the whistle on his fellow adjudicator, Mr. Cowell suggests a manage a zucchini, which quickly degenerates into an all-you-can-eat salad bar after Mr. Jackson hears a god-awful racket coming from Ms. Abdul's dressing room and goes to investigate.
The video of this fun with the food pyramid has wound up in the hands of a major porn distributor, who wants to make it available for downloading at $39.95 before Christmas. So if there's someone on your Christmas list who would get off watching a never-was who looks like a bus station hooker getting busy with three derelicts in a sleazy motel, you can cross that person of your Christmas list. Spencers adult gift section ain't got nothing like this.
Many people know that certain gemstones, power phrases, and colors are associated with different signs of the zodiac. Only the true stargazer understands, however, the relationships among small appliances and zodiac signs. If you're always a few nachos short of a grande, you should open your mind to the voice of the small appliance that rules your universe—especially if that appliance is hissing or emiting sparks.
Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21): Although panic and campaign buttons aren't standard equipment on most Chef John blenders, yours is equipped with them. You will need the panic button when the candidate you support in a school board election is caught on a live mic calling the head of the school board a cunt.
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19): Be the envy of the zodiac with your Elvis Presley Solar-Powered Walking Stick and Eight-Track Flashback. The Gladys model doubles as a dowser that shimmies whenever an Elvis sighting is immanent, say, at a Popeyes or Krispy Kremes.
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18): Thanks to the Quentin Tarentino Home Movie Splicer there's no need for cats to suck the breath out of babies any more. Now you can edit the little crumb snatchers out of home movies and replace them with cartoon monsters.
Pisces (2/19 - 3/20): Behind every successful Pisces there's a steam iron. George Washington, for example, used a crude form of a steam iron to press his uniform before posing for that famous photo op of him crossing the Delaware. Unfortunately, there wasn't time for the other men in the photo to borrow Washington's iron.
Aries (3/21 - 4/19): Your fastidiousness and passion for order are governed by the Sterile-matic Continuous-Clean Toaster. Unlike most people, whose toaster pans contain calcified nuggets with the mineral properties of fertilizer, your Sterile-matic and, by extension, your life are gleaming monuments to civility.
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20): The constellation Amana passing through the House of Proctor and Gamble designates the crockpot as your ruling small appliance. Unfortunately, the crockpot signifies both the pleasure of cooking for a family and the loneliness of the mechanized meal. Heads you win, tails you eat alone.
Gemini (5/21 - 6/21): The Katy Perry iPod rocks the Gemini world with high-production-values sensitivity. An 8-gigabyte memory is standard equipment on this gem, so no matter how often your muse comes singing in the mist, there will always be room for the rhymes she inspires.
Cancer (6/22 - 7/22): Cancerians owe their clear skin to the Digital Electronic Cold Sore Eliminator. Blind dates, important job interviews, appearances in police lineups—with the Electronic Zit Remover you can make a smooth appearance whatever the occasion. Those walking STD incubators Lena Dunham and Amy Schumer swear by theirs. You will, too.
Leo (7/23 - 8/22): Portable, battery-operated desk fans are associated with many influential persons. No matter what your Leo body type—Mick Jagger, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Mae West—a desk fan can help to keep you cool. Mick never leaves home, his own or his latest model friend's, without his.
Virgo (8/23 - 9/22): Your ruling cosmic appliance—a Dual-Action Reading Light and Self-Cleaning Fish Scaler—will become exceedingly scarce and valuable after it is demonstrated by Martha Stewart on a shopping channel segment sponsored by the National Organization of Women.
Libra (9/23 - 10/23): David Chang Electronic Chopsticks-Cum-Knitting Needles are the perfect appliance for Librans on the go. Why overdose on greasy wontons and calory-laden duck sauce when you can knit one and purl two while you're waiting for your steamed selections from column A and column B to arrive.
Scorpio (10/24 - 11/21): The Lidia Bastianich Air Freshener and Pasta Maker satisfies your passion for practicality. You can prepare dinner without worrying that your tricolored tortellini will be compromised by litter box odor while you try to impress that important family member or friend.
The Gift of GAB
Fuck those Twitter girly men and pearl clutchers. They banned all the cool kids like Milo, so all the cool kids are matriculating to GAB, where free spech matters.
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