You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Paris Hilton's High Colonic Adventure, An Inside Look
Dec 10, 2005, 08:48
LOS ANGELES - Paris Hilton is about to appear nearly naked in a television commercial once again. This time, however, instead of doing a lap dance on a high-powered black car, Hilton will be stretched out on a table at The Total Health Connection touting the glories of colon cleansing on behalf of The International Association for Colon Hydrotherapy, for which she is the 2006 Colon Girl. The following is the text from that commercial.
"Hi, this is Paris Hilton. Perhaps you've been wondering how I manage to look so radiant while going to a different club every night, drinking to excess, and fighting off STDs. Sure, being independently wealthy and dating only Greek billionaires helps, but even the rich and famous can feel tired and frumpy sometimes.
"When I get the 'blues,' I get on down to The Total Health Connection and get hooked up with a refreshing high colonic purge. Take it from me, Paris Hilton, nothing restores the complexion, invigorates the mind, and cleanses the soul better than a king-size dump. That's why nearly two thirds of the celebrities in Hollywood—beautiful people like Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston, Tara Reid, Lindsay Lohan, and Kimberly Stewart—rely on high colonics to keep them on the go.
"Perhaps you're wondering just what this high colonic business is all about. Well, let me tell you, it's better than sex, and I should know. A high colonic is warm, wonderful, and entirely painless—and best of all, you don't have to miss any important calls on your cell phone. Besides, it's quick. In no more than an hour you'll be back in your Mercedes, ready to hit Decades or The Gucci Store.
"To begin, you lie on this totally comfortable table in a stylishly appointed room. The colonic therapist gently inserts a small rigid tube called a speculum about six inches into your rectum. Oooooooh. Just talking about it gives me goose bumps.
"The therapist attaches the speculum to a gaily colored plastic hose connected to a colon irrigation machine. While soothing Yanni music plays softly in the background, all five feet of your colon are slowly filled with warm, purified, jasmine-scented water.
Do not attempt colon hydrotherapy at home.
"This causes the muscles that line the colon to contract and expand rhythmically—as though they're grooving to a sensuous disco beat— forcing out that nasty fecal matter, gas, and mucus through an evacuation tube that leads back to the machine. Don't worry, girls, nobody's going to laugh if you make a noise like a tuba.
"After the first infusion of water has been expelled, the procedure is repeated until twenty to thirty gallons of water have been flushed through the bowel. Then, before you can say, 'Stavros, that feels so good,' you're ready to go shopping.
"So take it from me, Paris Hilton, Colon Girl for The International Association for Colon Hydrotherapy, if you want to look your best for the holidays, treat yourself to a high colonic right away. No ifs, ands, or butts about it."
Next Oprah: How High Colonics Can Save Your Marriage
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
