Through a rare but infrequent case of cross-mutation, your zip code and DNA will be transformed, and you will be seized with an overwhelming urge to open fire on your coworkers. By wetting your finger and pressing it onto an electric socket, you can transfer the effects of that mutation into an urge to dress like Lady GaGa.
Jennifer Love Hewitt Launches Fashion Line for Fat Women
Dec 10, 2007, 10:18
Have you put on weight or is that a smiley face hiding in your bikini?
LOS ANGELES – Jennifer Love Hewitt, whose butt has more wrinkles than Mick Jagger’s face, announced on her website yesterday that she’s launching a new line of clothing for oversize women.
Called Orca Fashions, Ms. Love Hewitt’s collection is designed to provide comfort clothing for ladies who have spent too much time around comfort food.
“You don’t have to be a size 2—or even a size 22—in order to be beautiful,” wrote Ms. Love Hewitt. “If you want to improve your self image, no matter how many scales you’ve flattened, just wade into an Orca bikini and hold your chins up proudly.”
Jennifer Love Hugetits then.
Available in basic black only, Orca Fashions bids fair to stand the notion of feminine beauty on its head. For example, instead of being offered in those fussy numerical sizes, Orca Fashions will be designated super petite, triple petite, and sumo petite.
Ms. Love Hewitt, 28, was inspired to launch Orca Fashions after she had been savaged following the publication of photos taken while she was on vacation in Hawaii recently.
“I couldn’t believe the hurtful things that were written about me. A size 2 is not fat nor will it ever be.”
Jennifer Love Hugetits now.
Ms. Love Hewitt, who last saw a size 2 about the last time she saw her toes while she was standing up, urged “all girls with butts, boobs, hips and a waist” to stay strong.
In related news, although Orca Fashions will not debut until the spring, celebrities have raced to endorse the concept.
“I think what she’s doing is wonderful,” said a newly “slim” Kirstie Ally. “I hope she’s got a sun suit in super petite.”
Added Oprah Winfrey, "I'm looking forward to campaigning for our next president, Barack Obama, in a power suit from Orca Fashions."
Through a rare but infrequent case of cross-mutation, your zip code and DNA will be transformed, and you will be seized with an overwhelming urge to open fire on your coworkers. By wetting your finger and pressing it onto an electric socket, you can transfer the effects of that mutation into an urge to dress like Lady GaGa.
