You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Jennifer Love Hewitt Launches Fashion Line for Fat Women
Dec 10, 2007, 10:18
Have you put on weight or is that a smiley face hiding in your bikini?
LOS ANGELES - Jennifer Love Hewitt, whose butt has more wrinkles than Mick Jagger's face, announced on her website yesterday that she's launching a new line of clothing for oversize women.
Called Orca Fashions, Ms. Love Hewitt's collection is designed to provide comfort clothing for ladies who have spent too much time around comfort food.
"You don't have to be a size 2—or even a size 22—in order to be beautiful," wrote Ms. Love Hewitt. "If you want to improve your self image, no matter how many scales you've flattened, just wade into an Orca bikini and hold your chins up proudly."
Jennifer Love Hugetits then.
Available in basic black only, Orca Fashions bids fair to stand the notion of feminine beauty on its head. For example, instead of being offered in those fussy numerical sizes, Orca Fashions will be designated super petite, triple petite, and sumo petite.
Ms. Love Hewitt, 28, was inspired to launch Orca Fashions after she had been savaged following the publication of photos taken while she was on vacation in Hawaii recently.
"I couldn't believe the hurtful things that were written about me. A size 2 is not fat nor will it ever be."
Jennifer Love Hugetits now.
Ms. Love Hewitt, who last saw a size 2 about the last time she saw her toes while she was standing up, urged "all girls with butts, boobs, hips and a waist" to stay strong.
In related news, although Orca Fashions will not debut until the spring, celebrities have raced to endorse the concept.
"I think what she's doing is wonderful," said a newly "slim" Kirstie Ally. "I hope she's got a sun suit in super petite."
Added Oprah Winfrey, "I'm looking forward to campaigning for our next president, Barack Obama, in a power suit from Orca Fashions."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
