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Tiger Woods Confesses to Tryptophan Addiction
Dec 14, 2009, 13:56
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JUPITER ISLAND, Fla. - Tiger Woods revealed on his website this morning that he has decided to seek treatment for his tryptophan addiction. Mr. Woods also revealed that he was "high as a kite" the morning he shanked his SUV into the rough on his front lawn.

"For several years now I have been tryptophan-dependent," said Mr. Woods, who added that he had begun taking a
tryptophan supplement derived from turkey gonads to control seasonal affective disorder.

According to Mr. Woods, some of the symptoms of tryptophan abuse mirror the "so-called effects of my accident." These symptoms include spontaneous scratches on the lips, poor night vision, blood pooling in the mouth, and difficulty operating a motor vehicle when someone is bashing it with a golf club.

Citing research done by the American Medical Association and the United States Golf Association, Mr. Woods said that tryptophan abuse can also lead to uncontrollable sexual urges—and "an embarrassing tendency" to crow like a rooster during orgasm.

Mr.Woods did not reveal why he had taken so long to acknowledge his tryptophan addiction, but a source reasonably close to the golfer told Postcards from the Pug Bus that Mr. Woods may have kept silent because he had "just about aced a deal" to be the National Turkey Foundation's spokesman for 2011.

"I don't see that happening now," said the friend, "especially when the folks at the turkey foundation learn that Tiger has an aversion to dark meat."

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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.