You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Brad Pitt, Katie Holmes, Keith Richards Birthday Quiz: Update
Dec 19, 2006, 10:08
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Brad Pitt, Katie Holmes, and Keith Richards might seem to be strange birthday bedfellows at first, but as our exclusive quiz reveals, they just might have more in common than the same birthday. Then again, they might not. Who gives a shit, anyway.
1. Both are partnered with people who have larger-than-life lips and a taste for individuals of the same sex. "Both" are . . .
a) Katie and Brad; b) Brad and Keef; c) Katie and Keef.
2. One has regular blood transfusions while the other has a partner who signs Kwanzaa cards in his or her own blood. The members of this pair are . . .
a) Brad and Katie; b) Katie and Keef; c) Keef and Brad.
3. They each have one biological child and two adopted children. "They" are . . .
a) Brad and Katie; b) Keef and Katie; c) Brad and Keef.
4. One is involved with someone who wants to save the world through religion while the other is involved with someone who wants to save the world through adoption. The members of this pair are . . .
a) Katie and Brad; b) Brad and Keef; c: Katie and Keef.
5. They were married in hideously elaborate ceremonies while he or she was married on his or her birthday to save brain cells. And the winners are . . .
a) Keef, Katie, Brad; b) Katie, Brad, Keef; c) Brad, Keef, Katie.
Bonus question: Also born today are director Steven Spielberg, movie critic Leonard Maltin, actor Ray Liotta, and singer Christina Aguilera. Their ages add up to . . .
a) 139, b) 193, c) $756 million.
The answers: 1=b, 2=c, 3=a, 4=a, 5=b, bonus=b.
YOUR SCORE: Give yourself five points for every odd-numbered question you answered incorrectly; four points for every even-numbered question you answered incorrectly; and twenty-five points if you got the bonus question wrong too. Subtract fifteen points for every question you answered correctly, including the bonus question.
WHAT YOUR SCORE MEANS, IF ANYTHING: The lowest score possible is -90; the highest score possible is +48. If your score was below zero, you know more about these wankers than a healthy person should. The farther above zero you scored, the greater the chance that you are able to read without moving your lips.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
