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Michael Vick Homies Win Ass Hat of the Week Award
Dec 18, 2007, 11:32
DeAngelo "Bad Newz" Hall
NEW YORK - While Michael Vick sits in jail trying to master the intricacies of checkers and the ins and outs of prison dating etiquette, he will surely take comfort in knowing that five of his most loyal homies have won the Ass Hat of the Week Award.
Atlanta Falcons cornerbacks DeAngelo "Bad Newz" Hall and Chris "Pit Bull" Houston, wide receivers Roddy "Choke Chain" White and Joe "Top Dog" Horn, and tight end Alge "Rape Stand" Crumpler were honored for demonstrating their support for Mr. Vick during Atlanta's 34-14 loss to the New Orleans Saints on December 10.
Chris "Pit Bull" Houston
Mr. Hall ran onto the field during pregame introductions waving a poster of Mr. Vick, which he taped to the back of the Falcons' bench, where it remained until a member of the team's public relations department removed it.
Messrs. Hall and Crumpler wore the inscription "MV-7"—Mr. Vick's initials and uniform number—on their eye-black patches during the game.
Roddy "Choke Chain" White
Such run-of-the-mill demonstrations of "keepin' it real" might not have risen to butthead level, so Messrs. White and Horn decided to screw the pooch, as it were, after Mr. White had scored on a 33-yard touchdown catch in the first quarter of the Falcon's loss. Standing in the end zone, Mr. White pulled up his jersey, with an assist from Mr. Horn, to reveal a T-shirt that read "Free Mike Vick."
"We done it and we'd do it again," said Mr. Houston after the game.
Joe "Top Dog" Horn
"It's like Common said, 'Why white folk focus on dogs and yoga, while people on the low end tryin' to ball and get ova?'"
Mr. Houston did not indicate whether he and his teammates would be picketing next month's International Yoga Conference, scheduled to be held in Atlanta.
In related news, former Atlanta Falcons head coach Bobby Petrino told Sports Illustrated that his decision to resign following the loss to New Orleans was "a direct result" of his players' support for Michael Vick.
Alge "Rape Stand" Crumpler
"Have you ever tried to coach a bunch of knuckleheads who are more concerned about some animal abuser than they are with learning the playbook?" asked Mr. Petrino, who is now the head coach at Arkansas.
"After putting up with that shit, the basic, garden variety rape and stereo-equipment theft will seem like child's play."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
