Britney Spears Had Sex in Front of Her Dogs
Dec 19, 2006, 10:26
Bit-Bit often went walkabout after seeing Brit & Kev in action.
NEW YORK - Britney Spears was voted World's Worst Celebrity Dog Owner by the readers of The Hollywood Dog and The New York Dog magazines. The award completes a hat trick for Ms. Spears, who was recently voted World's Worst Celebrity Mother by Parenting magazine and World's Worst Celebrity Muff by Penthouse.
Ms. Spears was once the preening owner of three highly visible Chihuahuas—Bit-Bit, Lacy, and Lucky—with whom she was always willing to pose. In fact, reports Hollywood Dog editor, Hilary O'Hagan, "She never left home without at least one of her dogs on her arm, but as soon as she met K-Fed and started having one kid after another, the dogs disappeared."
Quite right. Three dogs no bigger than the engagement ring Paris Hilton bought for herself can crowd people in a gazillion-square-foot mansion.
A part-time fact checker at Hollywood Dog revealed that even if Ms. Spears hadn't kicked "her poor little dogs" to the curb, she was still a near lock for World's Worst Celebrity Dog Owner because of her habit of having sex in front of them, an activity she frequently wrote about on the dogs' page on her website, when the dogs still had a page on her website.
"Anybody with half a brain knows that having sex in front of small dogs is the single most damaging thing you can do to harm their psyches," said animal communicator Sonia Fitzgerald, whom Ms. Spears consulted about Bit-Bit's frequent walkabout issues.
When Bit-Bit, Brit, and Brit's knees were together.
According to Ms. Fitzgerald, a former top fashion model, most unexplained animal behavior problems are simply the result of "too much exposure to human sexuality.” Ms. Fitzgerald, author of What the Animals Tell Me, claims that Bit-Bit told her how freaked out she was at seeing Ms. Spears and Mr. Federline doing the nasty.
"I interviewed Bit-Bit at Starbucks," said Ms. Fitzgerald. "She told me it was unbelievably stressful to watch her owners bumping uglies two or three times a week."
Ms. Fitzgerald explained that small breeds like Chihuahuas can be especially traumatized by the sight of two people having it off because human genitalia appear threateningly large to a small dog.
"If you think about the difference between a Chihuahua's penis and the average human's penis, even the below-average human's penis, you can see what I'm talking about.”
Because small breeds cannot jump off the bed without injuring themselves, they have no place to hide when festivities break out, said Ms. Fitzgerald.
"Bit-bit told me that even if she turned her head and closed her eyes, 'They made so much noise I couldn't ignore them.' I felt so sorry for that little dog. When Britney started calling for God, the dog had no way of knowing Britney wasn't being hurt.”
People like Ms. Spears and Mr. Federline who give pet names to their genitals "compound the trauma," said Ms. Fitzgerald. "Bit-bit was a nervous wreck because she thought there was a 'bald-headed man' that Britney was supposed to kiss hiding somewhere under the covers."
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