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The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery-smelling, dried-up, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.>
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Herein your fearless editor in briefs, who was deplorable long before deplorable was a meme, holds forth, but seldom holds his tongue, on a variety of topics ranging from the politicalization of sports to the emasculation of male college students to the idiocies of third-wave feminism to the reasons for the sudden prominence of white-interest™ movements to whatever fickles his nancy. You can check in any time you like, but come prepared to stay. Previous topics include, but are not limited to:
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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.
Sylvester Stallone Says God Wrote Rocky Dec 21, 2006 - 6:44
LOS ANGELES - Rocky Balboa climbing off the canvas. Jesus Christ climbing out of the tomb. Mere similarities with no causal connection? Not according to Sylvester Stallone, who told Christian leaders in a conference call yesterday that the six movies in the Rocky series are "the inspired word of God."
"Rocky is Jesus, fighting the devil, who cleverly disguises himself as a series of fighters from Apollo Creed (Rocky I) to Mason 'The Line' Dixon (Rocky VI)," Mr. Stallone told representatives of the Universal Religious Leadership Council (URLC).
"Jesus and Rocky are one of the little guys, and just like starting a new religion was a way for Jesus to make something of himself, boxing is Rocky's salvation. If they had boxing back in the day, Jesus would have been one of those great Jewish middleweights."
When one of the URLC members asked if god had written other films for Mr. Stallone, such as Rambo and Cliffhanger, the actor replied, "Nah. I wrote them when my marriage wasn't too good and I felt myself being seduced by all the temptations that Hollywood has to offer: the booze, the drugs, the broads."
Mr. Stallone told URLC members that he was first visited by god in the early morning hours of March 25, 1975, after watching the Muhammad Ali-Chuck Wepner fight on closed circuit television. Mr. Wepner, a liquor salesman from Bayonne, New Jersey, was given no chance against Mr. Ali; but Mr. Wepner fought valiantly—knocking Mr. Ali down in the ninth round. In fact Mr. Wepner nearly went the distance against the champ, but the fight was stopped with nineteen seconds to go in the fifteenth and final round after Mr. Wepner had lost two pints of blood and his sense of direction.
For the next three days and nights Mr. Stallone, then 28, could not eat or sleep: "I started writing the script for Rocky I, and I couldn't stop. It was like 'somebody else' was writing it. I could tell, you know, because I could spell words like courageous and determined that I had to look up when I was writing The Lords of Flatbush."
After finishing Rocky I, Mr. Stallone took his script to several studios. Those who were interested in the project wanted a major star to play Rocky, but Mr. Stallone insisted that he play the lead: "It was like a voice in my head was telling me that because god had written this script for me, I was the only one with the chops to play his son."
Mr. Stallone told representatives of the URLC that he believes "we need the God-fearing script, the script that really deals with compassion and deals with the word of Jesus and God. The last thing Rocky hears before he enters the ring in Rocky VI is scripture, and that's what gives him strength. People need to hear that sort of message."
Mr. Stallone concluded by saying that "some pretty unusual things" have been attributed to the 8-foot-6 bronze Rocky statue he commissioned for Rocky III (1982): "Like the other day this young dude from Manayunk, whose left leg is noticeably shorter than his right, was able to climb to the top of the statue and pose for a cell phone photo taken by a friend.
"If that don't prove somebody up there likes Rocky, I don't know what does," laughed Mr. Stallone.
Many people know that certain gemstones, power phrases, and colors are associated with different signs of the zodiac. Only the true stargazer understands, however, the relationships among small appliances and zodiac signs. If you're always a few nachos short of a grande, you should open your mind to the voice of the small appliance that rules your universe—especially if that appliance is hissing or emiting sparks.
Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21): Although panic and campaign buttons aren't standard equipment on most Chef John blenders, yours is equipped with them. You will need the panic button when the candidate you support in a school board election is caught on a live mic calling the head of the school board a cunt.
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19): Be the envy of the zodiac with your Elvis Presley Solar-Powered Walking Stick and Eight-Track Flashback. The Gladys model doubles as a dowser that shimmies whenever an Elvis sighting is immanent, say, at a Popeyes or Krispy Kremes.
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18): Thanks to the Quentin Tarentino Home Movie Splicer there's no need for cats to suck the breath out of babies any more. Now you can edit the little crumb snatchers out of home movies and replace them with cartoon monsters.
Pisces (2/19 - 3/20): Behind every successful Pisces there's a steam iron. George Washington, for example, used a crude form of a steam iron to press his uniform before posing for that famous photo op of him crossing the Delaware. Unfortunately, there wasn't time for the other men in the photo to borrow Washington's iron.
Aries (3/21 - 4/19): Your fastidiousness and passion for order are governed by the Sterile-matic Continuous-Clean Toaster. Unlike most people, whose toaster pans contain calcified nuggets with the mineral properties of fertilizer, your Sterile-matic and, by extension, your life are gleaming monuments to civility.
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20): The constellation Amana passing through the House of Proctor and Gamble designates the crockpot as your ruling small appliance. Unfortunately, the crockpot signifies both the pleasure of cooking for a family and the loneliness of the mechanized meal. Heads you win, tails you eat alone.
Gemini (5/21 - 6/21): The Katy Perry iPod rocks the Gemini world with high-production-values sensitivity. An 8-gigabyte memory is standard equipment on this gem, so no matter how often your muse comes singing in the mist, there will always be room for the rhymes she inspires.
Cancer (6/22 - 7/22): Cancerians owe their clear skin to the Digital Electronic Cold Sore Eliminator. Blind dates, important job interviews, appearances in police lineups—with the Electronic Zit Remover you can make a smooth appearance whatever the occasion. Those walking STD incubators Lena Dunham and Amy Schumer swear by theirs. You will, too.
Leo (7/23 - 8/22): Portable, battery-operated desk fans are associated with many influential persons. No matter what your Leo body type—Mick Jagger, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Mae West—a desk fan can help to keep you cool. Mick never leaves home, his own or his latest model friend's, without his.
Virgo (8/23 - 9/22): Your ruling cosmic appliance—a Dual-Action Reading Light and Self-Cleaning Fish Scaler—will become exceedingly scarce and valuable after it is demonstrated by Martha Stewart on a shopping channel segment sponsored by the National Organization of Women.
Libra (9/23 - 10/23): David Chang Electronic Chopsticks-Cum-Knitting Needles are the perfect appliance for Librans on the go. Why overdose on greasy wontons and calory-laden duck sauce when you can knit one and purl two while you're waiting for your steamed selections from column A and column B to arrive.
Scorpio (10/24 - 11/21): The Lidia Bastianich Air Freshener and Pasta Maker satisfies your passion for practicality. You can prepare dinner without worrying that your tricolored tortellini will be compromised by litter box odor while you try to impress that important family member or friend.
The Gift of GAB
Fuck those Twitter girly men and pearl clutchers. They banned all the cool kids like Milo, so all the cool kids are matriculating to GAB, where free spech matters.
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