You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Jamie Lynn Spears Home Pregnancy Test on eBay
Dec 21, 2007, 11:53
BUMFUCH, La. - The Jamie Lynn Spears' home pregnancy test that was run up the eBay flagpole on Wednesday might be run back down before it's had a chance to spread its wings.
Listed on eBay's wildly popular White Trash Souvenirs and Geegaws section, the test was found—according to its seller, Buster McCullouch (positive rating not currently available)—on the nightstand in a room Ms. Spears had rented at Buster's by the Hour motel in suburban Bumfuch.
"We was gonna call Jamie Lynn and tell her we had it here," said Mr. McCullough, the eponymous founder of Buster's by the Hour, "but we clean forgot until we read she had went and got herself pregnant."
The pregnancy test, on which Ms. Spears received a disappointing 6.7 for execution and a mere 7.5 for degree of difficulty, could well be a fraud, however, says Louisiana's surgeon general, Louie Louie Nagan.
"I could have swore Britney said this red Kabbalah string would keep me from getting pregnant."
Speaking by phone last night on Larry King Live, Mr. Nagan said that dipsticks floating in half empty wine coolers, as Ms. Spears' was, are "way difficult" to authenticate, compared, say, to dipsticks floating in nonalcoholic beverages.
"Thank god it wasn't found in a half-eaten bowl of gumbo," laughed Mr. Nagan. "Those puppies are nearly impossible to authenticate after Emeril Lagasse's hot sauce has had its way with them."
Meanwhile, a representative for the Spears family charged Mr. McCullough with fraud.
"This is the same Buster McCullough that got caught selling bogus pieces of toast with images of the runaway bride on them. I talked to Britney yesterday, and she's got half a mind to come down here and beat that sucker senseless with an umbrella."
Today's glossary: eponymous, adjective, giving one's name to a tribe, place, etc.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
