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Paris Hilton Wades into Groundhog Day Controversy
Dec 27, 2005, 09:38
PUNXSUTAWNEY, Penna. - Animal welfare advocate Paris Hilton has come to the defense of Punxsutawney Phil in a looming battle that figures to be known as the Groundhog Day controversy.
"Groundhog Day is one of my all-time favorite movies," said Hilton. "Anybody who attacks Punxsutawney Phil is attacking a poor, defenseless animal."
Punxsutawney Phil is the groundhog (Marmota monax) who miraculously emerges from the burrow where he lives on the same day each year, February 2, in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, about eighty miles north of Pittsburgh. If Phil sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter. If he does not see his shadow, there will be an early spring.
In reality, Phil does not live in a burrow; nor is he a vegetarian as other M. Monax are. According to his handler, Sid Freeman, a local funeral director, Phil thrives on dog food and ice cream in a climate-controlled borrowminium in the Punxsutawney Library.
Each year Phil is transported from his library home to Gobbler's Knob in Punxsutawney, an Indian word meaning "the town of the sandflies." Phil is placed in a heated artificial burrow underneath a faux wood tree stump, which is located on a temporary stage. He is pulled out of his "burrow" at 7:25 a.m. to make his prediction.
This tradition, which began in 1886, has been challenged by an ad hoc group representing other members of the genus Marmota. The group intends to file a lawsuit against the city of Punxsutawney. According to Chuck Wood, the lawyer for the plaintiffs, the city of Punxsutawney has displayed "conscious and deliberate favoritism" toward Marmota monax.
"It is perversely racist to exclude any other member of the genus Marmota simply because it does not belong to the species monax," said Wood.
According to Wood, his clients—which include the hoary marmot (Marmota caligata) and the yellow-bellied marmot (Marmota flaviventris)—are suing the city of Punxsutawney for damages "in excess of thirty million fruits and vegetables." The suit also asks the court to require the city of Punxsutawney to use different Marmot on a rotating basis for its Groundhog Day celebration.
Calling the lawsuit "a shadowy effort of subversion," Punxsutawney officials have sworn to uphold the exclusive use of Marmota monax in their annual festivities. They fear that Punxsutawney Phil may not survive if he is released into the wild after living in the library.
Paris Hilton has offered to buy Phil "and to take him to parties and stuff" if Wood prevails in court, but Punxsutawney mayor, James Wehrle, points out that groundhogs "more than likely" cannot be kept as pets in Los Angeles.
The yellow-bellied marmot may be the next Punxsutawney Phil.
Wood has suggested that different Marmota be installed for five-year terms as Punxsutawney Phil. Wood recommends the yellow-bellied marmot, which is found in the Rockies, Sierra Nevada, and the intermountain west, be installed as Phil's replacement in 2009, following a period of domestication and training.
"The yellow-bellied marmot is cute, no doubt," said Mayor Wehrle, "but it doesn't even come from Punxsutawney."
"Neither does Phil," Wood replied. "He is actually a native of nearby Winslow Township. If living in a condo in the library makes him from Punxsutawney, the same honorary citizenship would apply to the yellow-bellied marmot.
In related news, the Amalgamated Rodents of America (ARA) is exploring similar litigation on behalf of other members of the Sciuridae family, which includes chipmunks and squirrels as well as groundhogs. The ARA is being represented pro bono by the firm of Alvin, Simon & Theodore.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
