Brad Pitt Unveils Pitt Stops, Automated Sperm Deposit Units
Dec 27, 2007, 11:55
NEW ORLEANS –Brad Pitt announced that he will cut the ribbon today to celebrate the opening of the first in the eagerly awaited series of Pitt Stops®, automated sperm deposit units that, he claims, will hasten the rebuilding of New Orleans.
Pitt Stops®, which automate the process of collecting, grading, and storing sperm, will be open twenty-four hours a day, allowing depositors to exchange sperm for cash instantly at their convenience.
Each self-service Pitt Stop® machine is capable of measuring sperm in amounts as small as one nanometer (one-one-trillionth of the amount of sperm deposited on Monica Lewinsky’s infamous blue dress).
Once a Pitt Stop® deposit is safely in hand, the machine, designed and patented by Mr. Pitt, quickly samples the proffered semen to determine its quality and viscosity. After a deposit has been analyzed and approved, the donor receives a cash payment determined by his sperm's quality.
Mr. Pitt said he first realized the need for Pitt Stops® after reading an article in The Journal of Applied Semen describing a precipitous fall in the number of sperm donations since Hurricane Katrina butt banged the Crescent City.
Findings from the New Orleans Human Fertilization Authority (NOHFA) indicate that men living in New Orleans were more reluctant to donate sperm recently than they had been before Katrina struck.
The Pitt Stops® initiative hopes to remedy that situation by offering an experience that is private, safe, and—most important—profitable.
“Too many men in New Orleans are still too busy rebuilding their lives to spare a thought for sperm donation,” said Mr. Pitt, “and when they do think about it, they’re inclined to view sperm donation as a charitable gesture, like donating blood, not as a money-making stream.”
Angelina Jolie, honorary chairwoman of the NOHFA, called Pitt Stops® “a breakthrough in the effort to rejuvenate this city. Research indicates that countless gallons of sperm, much of it economically viable, are flushed down the toilet by men who are not aware that a bird in the hand is worth dollars in the can.”
Ms. Jolie explained that sperm donors can expect to earn anywhere from $50 to $100 for a frisky shot of love. After potential donors have been examined and pronounced fit by a registered physician (the examination is free), they will be issued a swipe card that provides access any Pitt Stop® in New Orleans—but will permit a maximum of only two donations per week.
Critics of the Pitt Stop® program argue that the machines are likely to be overused on Friday and Saturday nights, especially after the bars have closed. This, critics argue, could lead to a disproportionate amount of alcohol-ridden sperm flooding the Pitt Stops® machines.
In related news, despite the tight grip of security surrounding the first Pitt Stop® opening, THEM Weekly has learned that Mr. Pitt and Ms. Jolie will cut the ribbon later today at Pitt Stop 101, located behind a Winn-Dixie store in downtown New Orleans.
A source close to Mr. Pitt told reporters there is a chance that Mr. Pitt will launch the Pitt Stops® campaign by making a deposit of his own.”
Today's vocabulary: precipitous, adjective, 1. of the nature of or characterized by precipices; 2. extremely or impassably steep.
