You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Tara Reid Breast Implants Threaten Her Life
Dec 29, 2005, 10:28
MIAMI - Tara Reid, the once promising star of American Pie, is rumored to be at risk for Soy Oil Lachrymosis (SOL), a potentially life threatening condition that affects women who have had breast augmentation surgery. While her legions of horrified fans look on, Reid's mammary implants seem to be growing larger by the day. If her condition is not reversed, her life could be in danger.
"She ought to see a doctor soon, or at least a good body and fender shop," said Luis Alarcon, M.D., president and director of marketing for Soy You Want a Bigger Chest in Mexico City.
Although most women who have their breasts enlarged choose an adjustable saline pump model or a silicone grapefruit bag, Reid traveled to Mexico City last year to obtain the controversial soy bean oil implants because she "hated the thought of anything artificial in my body."
Tara Reid 2000
Reid also liked the small computer chip routinely inserted with soy oil implants. The chip contains a person's medical history as well as her name, address, and phone number.
"The chip is so cool," said Reid. "If you can't find your way home, the cops can read the chip and know where to take you."
Soy bean oil implants were developed at Washington University in St. Louis in the early 1990s as an alternative to traditional breast implants, which interfere with obtaining a clear mammogram reading. What's more, soy bean oil implants are organic, i.e., made from purified, denatured soy bean oil extract. Nevertheless, soy implants were taken off the market in English-speaking countries and Canada in 1999 after several women had died from elephantiasis jugulosis, hideously enlarged breasts.
One of the earliest victims of elephantiasis jugulosis was Bethany Maxwell, a computer programmer from Toronto, who died on Boxing Day in 1997.
"All of a sudden her [breasts] just started growing, almost as if they were alive," said Maxwell's husband, Gordon. "The next thing I knew, she had toppled over and died."
Tara Reid 2005
In point of fact, Maxwell's breasts were alive. If soy bean oil is not purified and denatured properly, it can revert to an active state, re-solidify, and begin growing in volume. If allowed to grow unchecked, its growth can be fatal.
Ironically, because SOL first manifests itself in balance problems, many women, Reid included, are suspected of drinking when they begin pitching forward and falling.
"We all thought Tara fell down a lot because she was drunk," said Reid's close friend Paris Hilton. "If she died of this halitosis thing, I'd feel terrible for making fun of her."
In other news, the electroshock machine at the newly opened Psychiatry: an Industry of Death museum in Hollywood malfunctioned yesterday, severely burning a twelve-year-old tourist and rendering him incapable of speaking. The machine, which was designed to simulate the "excruciating pain of electroschock therapy," is one of the most popular attractions of the museum, which was created by the Citizens Commission for Human Rights, a Scientology front group.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
