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Saddam Hussein Had Zoolander's Complex When He Died
Dec 30, 2006, 08:14
"He had a model's eyes," said an unidentified Pink Beret officer.
NEW YORK - Delicious photos taken of Saddam Hussein shortly before his execution suggest that the once-feared despot suffered from Zoolander's Complex, which manifests itself as a preoccupation with appearance and image. Among those photos, to be published exclusively in Them Weekly magazine, is the last known image of Mr. Hussein, scantily clad but still defiantly flashing what is obviously a well-rehearsed Blue Steel look.
The Blue Steel look—described in the Dictionary of Psychological Aberrations as "an expression that conveys both haughtiness and a beckoning magnetism"—is common among persons afflicted with Zoolander's Complex. Other indications of Zoolander's include an obsession with cleaning and folding one's clothes.
"Not coincidentally, Saddam was caught by the web cam in his toilet indulging in these behaviours during his last hours," said Patrick Hedding-West, FRCPsych, HMFIC, of Britain's Institute for Fashion Disorders. "It also seems apparent from these photos that Saddam has had a jockey-shorts wax and is using subtle but effective amounts of product in his hair."
According to a lifestyles editor at Them Weekly, the magazine obtained the images of Mr. Hussein from "a high-placed source" in the U.S. military's Pink Berets, an elite covert fashion-and-entertainment operation. The photos are part of the much-anticipated New Direction for Iraq campaign, which President Geroge W. Bush will roll out after he returns from vacation.
Mr. Bush hopes to demoralize Iraqi insurgents loyal to Mr. Hussein by portraying him as a "self-involved, narcissistic prat with homosexual tendencies."
The last known photo of Saddam Hussein, taken shortly before his execution.
As usual Mr. Bush appears to have tripped over his own weapon. Instead of belittling Saddam, the photos seem to have elicited sympathy for the dashing dictator throughout Iraq and other countries.
"No matter what he was before, he is still an Iraqi," said Basama Abdullah, a hairdresser in Baghdad. "These pictures are meant to shame all Iraqis by mocking their fashion sense, but the Yankee dog imperialists cannot hide the fact that they have killed far more Iraqis than Saddam would have gassed if he were still in power."
Other Muslims claimed that Mr. Hussein's obvious manifestations of Zoolander's Complex are evidence of his mistreatment and torture at the hands of his American captors—clear violations of the Geneva Convention and the UN Fashion Consortium's Code of Conduct.
President Bush, whom fashionistas routinely deride for his "Blue Chimp" look, declared yesterday that Saddam had been suffering from Zoolander's Complex long before he was captured by members of the Pink Berets.
"The increasing evidence of Zoolander's was sufficient reason to take Saddam down," declared the president. "He was diverting too many of his country's resources into fashion development, and he was threatening to undercut the United States with cheap fashion knock-offs and weapons of mass distribution. We either had to stop him on his own ground or stop him on the runways in New York."
In related news, a member of the Pink Berets denied that his unit possesses a Saddam Hussein sex video that will make Paris Hilton's video look like "the virgin effort of a high school girl in the back of an SUV on prom night."
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
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