You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
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Britney Spears Confesses to Gambling Addiction
Mar 13, 2007, 10:10
Britney Spears (left) exchanges traditional Kabbalah kiss with Madonna.
MALIBU - Before her fans could digest the news that Britney Spears is bulimic, there came another revelation: the former singer has also been struggling with a gambling addiction. Her newest problem came to light during an inquiry into Ms. Spears' unauthorized cell phone use at Promises by the Sea Tranquility Centre, where she currently resides.
In Ms. Spears' first week at Promises, counselors became concerned that their post-partum-depressed, bipolar, and now bulimic client was abusing her cell phone privileges in an attempt to keep from facing her problems.
"We were looking for a way to confront Britney without upsetting her," said Ms. Spears' self-realization counselor, "but when she scrawled 666 on her head and burst into a line-dancing class screaming 'I am the Antichrist,' we decided we had grounds for scheduling a cell-phone-abuse conference; and after checking with her attorneys, that's exactly what we did."
During that conference, which was postponed until yesterday on the advice of Ms. Spears' astrology counselor, the twenty-five-year-old mother of two revealed that her apparently psychotic Antichrist ravings were, in truth, an overreaction to the death of a popular fighting rooster known as The Antichrist in Louisiana, the only state in which cockfighting is still legal.
The constant phone calls, it turns out, were made to bookies in Lafayette, Louisiana, the cockfighting capital of the United States.
"My parents took me to cockfights when I was a little girl," said Ms. Spears. "That was my reward for doing well at my dancing lessons. There was always lots of other kids there. We used to draw in the dirt with chicken feathers. It was real family entertainment."
Britney Spears (right) and husband Kevin Federline enjoy a break at a cockfight.
The fun times turned dark when Ms. Spears began wagering on cockfights, a practice she continued after success had taken her far from her Kentwood, Louisiana, home. Betting on cockfighting, she explained to startled Hollywood friends, was a way of "keeping it real" and maintaining a connection to her roots. Besides, "that's what we do back home. We're country."
Eighty-two percent of Louisiana residents would beg to differ with Ms. Spears, according to a poll conducted three years ago by Hill Research Consultants, and that figure is even higher among persons with indoor plumbing. Nevertheless, a bill that would have banned cockfighting in Louisiana was killed in the state's house of representatives.
Ms. Spears' gambling losses, reputed to be north of seven figures some years, are not the primary concern of her handlers.
"She can afford to gamble," said one source in the beleaguered Spears camp. "It's the image hit that's got us worried. Frenching Madonna on stage, flashing her baby maker, puking all over herself—that's no big deal; but betting on cockfights is something else again. Not even Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan has stooped that low."
In other news, Burger King officials are troubled by the rash of Jennifer Hudson lookalikes who have turned up at Burger Kings across the United States claiming to be Ms. Hudson and attempting to obtain free hamburgers following Burger King's announcement that Ms. Hudson had been awarded free burgers for life.
"We became concerned after an internal audit revealed that fourteen Jennifer Hudsons had consumed fifty-three triple Whoppers with cheese, thirty-one large orders of fries, and several gallons of diet Pepsi at our various outlets in a single day," said one Burger King executive, who asked to remain anonymous.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
