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Pamela Anderson Blasts Addition of Tabby Tennis to Beijing Olympics
Mar 13, 2006, 13:01
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Animal rights activist Pamela Anderson vows that "the fur will fly" if the International Olympic Committee proceeds with its plan to add tabby tennis to the games of the XXIX Olympiad in 2008. Anderson met with a reporter from Cat Fancy magazine at Real Food Daily in West Hollywood recently to discuss her opposition to this "beastly" event.
Scarcely touching her tofu quiche with leeks and asparagus, Ms. Anderson explained that Chinese premier, Wen Jiabao, is expected to announce shortly that tabby tennis will be an officially sanctioned sport in the next Olympics.
According to Premier Jiabao, "For years, the stereotype of serving cats in our restaurants has been perpetuated. Now that Beijing will be hosting the Olympics, we want to take that opportunity to show the world we have other uses for our feline friends."
In tabby tennis, Premier Jiabao explained, tennis balls are replaced with various breeds of shorthair tabby cats, resulting in a highly action-packed spectator sport.
"We tried playing with all kinds of breeds," claimed International Paralympics Committee president, Philip Craven, "but the long-haired ones such as your Himalayans and Persians produced excessive single and double-faults. Shorthair tabbies provided the best results and were certainly not expensive to breed for this venue."
Tabbies take the worry out of those close calls.
Eloise Fleck, a tennis umpire for seventeen years, explained, "Tabby tennis is much easier to umpire. Half the time I really can't tell if those little Gatorade-colored balls are in or out of bounds, but making a call on a ten-pound cinnamon tabby makes my profession so much easier!"
Seventeen-year-old Jason Moore agrees: "I've been a ball-boy since I was twelve. Chasing balls around can get pretty boring, but now that I'm a tabby-boy, I never get tired of the game. Besides, I don't have to run around as much, especially when there's a single-fault against the net."
After pondering a moment, he continued. "The only part I don't like is after an overhead forehand smash. It can get kinda gross."
Joyce "Coriander" Robinson, president of the Japanese chapter of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, explained her reaction.
"Naturally, I was initially outraged at this activity; but when I learned that synchronized swimming had been eliminated to make room for tabby tennis, well, that won me over in a hurry."
For her part Ms. Anderson worries that tabby tennis is "a gateway sport," whose inclusion in the Olympic games will open the door for other competitive sports that "exploit" cute, furry animals.
"If we don't draw the line now," said Ms. Anderson, "don't be surprised if the London games in 2012 include such 'sports' as hamster badminton, puppy rugby, and weasel water polo."
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
