You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Paris Hilton Invents an STD Cure
May 18, 2006, 16:16
HOLLYWOOD - (Editor's Note) This special report about Paris Hilton and a cell phone that eliminates an irritating STD was filed by our favorite blogger, fashionista, and emerging novelist—DistressedJeans. DJ is currently on hiatus from her wildly popular More Conversations About Famous People while she writes a novel, does volunteer work, takes care of two kids and two dogs, gets manicures and spa treatments, goes to movie premieres, hangs out with A-listers, and concentrates on two other blogs—More Conversations About Fashion and Conversations with Famous Writers.
Has a dirty cooter got you down? Are you doing more scratching than shopping?
The CrabQuest Got More? plan features unlimited nights and weekend usage.
Well, take heart. Paris Hilton has created, for a limited time only, a very special hand-held laser cell phone which will rid you of those pesky crabs. You know, the red ones who take up residence in your nether-regions after a whirlwind of wild sex with multiple partners, belly shots, and binge drinking.
Tired of losing one too many Greek billionaires due to crab infestation and vaginal itching, Paris has invented a cell phone-crab killer combo aptly named, CrabQuest. Simply hold the laser at your midsection and watch the little critters scamper down your legs and shrivel up. Then stand back and count how many wealthy playboys line up, mostly the ones from Greece.
"Where the hell's that cell phone when you need it?"
"You can download a special venereal-disease game on your cell phone in June," said Paris of her brainchild, tentatively called "Paris Hilton's Cooter Jam." The game of skill, also known as "Blister Quest," features oozing sores and pus-filled scabs that, when moved, reveal a picture of Paris Hilton's size 11 feet, complete with ingrown toenails. A more difficult level features an up close picture of her overgrown bikini area pre-CrabQuest.
About CrabQuest, Paris states, "This is something I've been waiting for my whole life. I'm really excited. And kind of nauseous."
CrabQuest may cause swelling, diarrhea, dizziness, and the inability to think clearly or add single digits at the store.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
