Through a rare but infrequent case of cross-mutation, your zip code and DNA will be transformed, and you will be seized with an overwhelming urge to open fire on your coworkers. By wetting your finger and pressing it onto an electric socket, you can transfer the effects of that mutation into an urge to dress like Lady GaGa.
Paris Hilton Invents an STD Cure
May 18, 2006, 16:16
HOLLYWOOD - (Editor's Note) This special report about Paris Hilton and a cell phone that eliminates an irritating STD was filed by our favorite blogger, fashionista, and emerging novelist—DistressedJeans. DJ is currently on hiatus from her wildly popular More Conversations About Famous People while she writes a novel, does volunteer work, takes care of two kids and two dogs, gets manicures and spa treatments, goes to movie premieres, hangs out with A-listers, and concentrates on two other blogs—More Conversations About Fashion and Conversations with Famous Writers.
Has a dirty cooter got you down? Are you doing more scratching than shopping?
The CrabQuest Got More? plan features unlimited nights and weekend usage.
Well, take heart. Paris Hilton has created, for a limited time only, a very special hand-held laser cell phone which will rid you of those pesky crabs. You know, the red ones who take up residence in your nether-regions after a whirlwind of wild sex with multiple partners, belly shots, and binge drinking.
Tired of losing one too many Greek billionaires due to crab infestation and vaginal itching, Paris has invented a cell phone-crab killer combo aptly named, CrabQuest. Simply hold the laser at your midsection and watch the little critters scamper down your legs and shrivel up. Then stand back and count how many wealthy playboys line up, mostly the ones from Greece.
"Where the hell's that cell phone when you need it?"
"You can download a special venereal-disease game on your cell phone in June," said Paris of her brainchild, tentatively called "Paris Hilton's Cooter Jam." The game of skill, also known as "Blister Quest," features oozing sores and pus-filled scabs that, when moved, reveal a picture of Paris Hilton's size 11 feet, complete with ingrown toenails. A more difficult level features an up close picture of her overgrown bikini area pre-CrabQuest.
About CrabQuest, Paris states, "This is something I've been waiting for my whole life. I'm really excited. And kind of nauseous."
CrabQuest may cause swelling, diarrhea, dizziness, and the inability to think clearly or add single digits at the store.
Through a rare but infrequent case of cross-mutation, your zip code and DNA will be transformed, and you will be seized with an overwhelming urge to open fire on your coworkers. By wetting your finger and pressing it onto an electric socket, you can transfer the effects of that mutation into an urge to dress like Lady GaGa.
