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Alberto Launches 2006 Hurricane Season, Entertainers Prepared
Jun 12, 2006, 10:21
KEY WEST, Fla. - Tropical storm Alberto, the first named storm of the 2006 North Atlantic hurricane season, will bring heavy rain to the west coast of Florida during the next few days. Although Alberto is not expected to reach hurricane force, this year's hurricane season is shaping up to be one of the most active on record.
The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Association (NOAA) is predicting at least sixteen named storms with six of them at category 3 or higher. In response to this forecast, many pop singers and songwriters, hoping to cash in on potential tragedies, have already prepared an array of musical tributes honoring anticipated hurricane victims.
"We were woefully unprepared for Katrina, Wilma, and Dennis last year," claimed Sony Records CEO Rolf Schmidt-Holz. We're not about to drop the ball again. We've learned the hard way that preparation is the key."
Michael Jackson, while hoping for another Katrina- style hurricane to evacuate New Orleans, has already reserved a studio to record a plaintive "Where Have All the Children Gone?" While Jackson hopes this summer's tragedies will revive his waning popularity, he has made no plans to return from his newly- adopted home of Bahrain.
Celine Dion is also banking on the Crescent City's demise by re-releasing her mega hit "My Heart Will Go On." In order to appeal to residents of South Louisiana, the new release will be performed in Cajun as "Mon Coeur Vivelaieee."
While Harry Connick Jr. is waiting for the re-destruction of his native New Orleans with "Category-Five Blues," country superstar Gretchen Wilson is betting on the 2006 storms taking a more easterly direction as expressed in her upcoming tribute, "Double-Wides Over Georgia."
American Idol winner and Alabama native, Taylor Hicks, has already jumped on the bandwagon with sales of his first single, "Do I Make You Proud," benefiting the American Red Cross.
"A category-3 storm hitting his home state this summer could really jump-start that boy's career," reports Schmidt-Holz. "Even better would be for Alabama to take a direct hit from a cat 4 or 5. Wow. I can't even begin to imagine the revenue that would produce."
Dixie Chicks lead singer, Natalie Maines, reports that recent publicity around her anti-Bush comments has made the band more popular than ever with mainstream listeners.
"All we need is a few good hurricanes for Bush to make himself look worse than he already does. With each passing storm, that man just keeps shootin' himself in the foot and won't put down the gun! I can't wait for this season to get rocking."
In related news, televangelist Pat Robertson has begun a round-the-clock prayer vigil in hopes that a "hurricane of biblical proportions" will destroy Massachusetts for allowing same-sex marriages.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
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Strike a blow for freedom.
