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Britney Spears Going to Namibia to Give Birth
Jun 13, 2006, 07:10
"I'm a good mom."
MALIBU - Britney Spears has told NBC's Matt Lauer that she will move to Namibia "in the near future" to prepare for the birth of her second child, a daughter who is due in "late September or early November." Breaking down in tears during the interview, which will be broadcast Thursday on the Today show and Friday on Dateline, Ms. Spears said she is "an emotional wreck" right now. She blames the paparazzi and the false tabloids for her fragile state of mind.
During the wide ranging interview, Ms. Spears denied rumors that her husband of twenty-one months, Kevin Federline, is living in their basement. She also said repeatedly that she is a "good mom," despite the fact that she was photographed driving her SUV with her son, Sean Preston, sitting on her lap.
"I did it with my dad," said Ms. Spears. "I'd sit on his lap and I'd drive. We're country."
For some reason, perhaps he was having a Tom Cruise flashback, Mr. Lauer neglected to mention that at the time the incident had occurred, last February, Ms. Spears had said her son was on her lap because she was trying to escape the paparazzi and didn't have time to buckle him in his seat.
"I'm a good mom."
Mr. Lauer did ask Ms. Spears why she had chosen Namibia for the birth of her child.
"Kevin has always been a fan of African-American culture," she replied. "I'm sure he'll feel at home there, rapping with all the natives. Besides, there's lots of quiet unpaved roads where Sean Preston and I can go driving."
Ms. Spears also said that Namibia reminds her of California "because it's on the ocean and there's lots of sand. So if Sean Preston fell off his swing and landed on his head, there's less chance he would be hurt and we'd have those snoops from child welfare up our butts all the time."
Finally, said Ms. Spears, "I heard that Namibia has laws that let celebrities say whether or not journalists are allowed in the country. That's so important, even more important than getting the same villa that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt had."
In other news, an autopsy conducted at the request of the U.S. military revealed that Abu Musab al-Zarqawi had been dead "at least five minutes" before "a few overenthusiastic soldiers" began stomping on his chest and taunting him.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
