Your sun is in arrears and your moon is in contempt. Ordinarily this would mean that you should be incognito, but these are not ordinary times. The presence of the planet Dipthong in your literary house and the emergence of the Ringo star in your musical constellation point to the need for the bold initiative instead. Remember, the grand gesture is the prelude to grand success. Think large, live large, and-as Lane Bryant is my judge-large will be your shadow on the world's stage.
Warren Buffett Gift Enables Bill Gates to Join European Union
Jun 27, 2006, 09:18
WASHINGTON and BRUSSELS - The recent announcement that the world's second richest man, Warren Buffett, was giving his money to the world's richest man, Bill Gates, stunned everyone except congressional Republicans.
As House Speaker Dennis J. Hastert (R-IL) put it, "Others may not understand, but we do; rich people need money to be rich. This may be too complicated for some to comprehend, I'm thinking Ted Kennedy and Dennis Kucinich here; but if you take away their money, rich people would be just like everybody else. We can't let that happen to America."
Buffett (no relation to the second richest Buffett, Jimmy) explained his decision to give his money to the only person in the world richer than he is. "If you understood the depth of his need to be the very richest person alive, you would understand how much this means to Billy. Bill Gates is the neediest person in the world, without a doubt."
"Besides, he and Melinda are the only people with checks big enough to put enough zeroes on them to even be able to spend this much money," added Buffett.
With Buffett's gift of $32 billion, Gate's net worth now qualifies him for admission to the European Union. "With a market value greater than that of the gross domestic products of Estonia, Lithuania, Latvia, Slovenia, Slovakia, Malta, Cyprus, and Luxembourg combined, Gates is obviously eligible," said EU spokesperson Valero Gascard Pointang.
"I know it may seem unusual to admit a single person into the European Union, but we're not. We're admitting Bill and Melinda as a couple. Our analysis of the EU's chief rival, the United Nations, shows that almost one third of the countries currently in the UN have a population of two or fewer sentient adults."
"Given that, admitting the People's Democratic Monopoly of Gatesia seems more than appropriate. What's more, adding a capitalist dictatorship will increase the EU's economic and political diversity," noted Pointang.
In other news, Microsoft announced today that it will be acquiring Australia in a two-for-one stock swap in which two sheep will be traded for each share of Microsoft's preferred equities. Microsoft's plan for Australia is to return it to a variant of its original designation as a penal colony, using it as a holding area for the viruses, bugs, and worm-infected spam that currently infect all Microsoft products.
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Ten Things You Should Flip the Bird to Before You Die 1. Religion
3. Seat Belts
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. The Bucket List
7. Classical Music
8. Pissing Indoors All the Time
10. Going to Bed Early.