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Floyd Landis Stripped of Tour de France Title
Jul 23, 2006, 12:54
PARIS - Just moments after his victory in the Tour de France, Floyd Landis was stripped of his yellow jersey. Tour officials took the maillot jeune from Landis for "aide médicale éventuelle proposée, which crudely translates (as all French does) into "proposed prospective medical assistance."
Landis, said former tour director Jean-Marie Leblanc, brought this on himself by announcing halfway through the twenty-three-day race that he was scheduled for hip-replacement surgery in the fall. Landis said surgery was the only way to free himself from the chronic pain in the joint he smashed up in an early 2003 crash. His announcement, contend Tour de France officials, gave Landis a clear "avantage psychologique."
Tour de France spokesperson Matthieu Desplats said the tough measure demonstrated that fonctionnaires de cycle were committed to eradicating all biological, medical, or technological advances in the sport.
The tour organization already sent a strong signal that medical assistance, or even suspicions of prospective medical assistance, would not be tolerated when race favorites Ivan Basso and Jan Ullrich were disqualified before the tour began on allegations of doping, that is, of planning to use transfusions of their own blood to enhance their performance during the race.
With the move of disqualifying Landis, Directeur d'Tour Christian Prudhomme said organizers' determination to fight "aide médicale" was "complet." Tour officials denied that the disqualification had anything to do with French resentment of American success in the tour or the world in general. Prudhomme said that no consideration was given to the fact that Americans had won eleven championships since the last French winner (not counting Greg LeMond, who is American-born but named after a French newspaper).
Sorbonne Professor Jean-Claude Depieu, a spécialiste dans l'histoire du cycle, said Landis will be more remembered for losing than he would have been for winning. This, he said, is "more than appropriate" for the Tour de France which culminates at the Arc de Triomphe and celebrates the major strategic French retreats during world wars I and II.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
