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Clay Aiken Claymates Make Katherine McPhee McFlee
Aug 16, 2006, 07:07
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. - It's been a bummer summer for America's latest idol runner up, Katherine McPhee. First a nasty bought of bronchitis, then a fractured foot, and now rumors are swirling that her "conditions" might be an elaborate cover designed to keep McPhee out of sight and on the lamb.
But, Katherine, why all the fakin'?
Insiders tell us, look no further than Clay Aiken's lethally loyal fan base, the so-called Claymates. Ever since the twin number-twos shared a few laughs and exchanged hair tips during last May's American Idol season 5 finale, fans have insisted there were some serious Simon-Paula sparks flying backstage. Although Katherine has acknowledged boyfriend Nick Cokas, and Clay is "still looking," it seems a moot point for the Claymates, who've caught the Katherine McFever—whether Clay likes it or not.
According to a close chum of the shaken chanteuse, "At first it was just some extra fan mail, you know, 'Oh, you and Clay would make a cute couple.' Then the calls, the e-mails, and the IMs. Then these Claymates started showing up backstage on the Idol tour with pictures of wedding dresses, saying how she should be gentile with him on the wedding night. She tried to brush it off—but, it's just gone downhill since. "
And what was the final straw?
"We were out to dinner and the waitress said she had something special for us, then she dropped off this crock of hasenpfeffer with a note attached that said, 'Clay will not be ignored.' Katherine's pretty much been on the d.l. ever since."
All this comes close on the heels of reports that the rabidly fun-loving Aiken fans have ramped up their devotion to just plain rabid. Guards for the Scene Pavilion in Cleveland, Ohio, described one recent concert where the shenanigans left security stunned.
"They started this whole Wicca-pagan dance thing," one said. "They all carried banners needlepointed with slogans like 'Quakin' for Aiken' and 'Repent for Claytopia' while they circled a maypole—sorry, Claypole."
Recalling the seething sea of Clay sweatshirts, braces, orthopedic shoes, pigtails, and blue rinses, he said shakily, "It was like all of Branson, Missouri, on crack."
Another guard put it more bluntly: "You ever see Day of the Locusts?"
Celebratty chatter met with self-described Claymaniac Bertha Nussbaum of Grand Rapids, Michigan, who chairs a powerful local chapter of the fan club, The Clay Court, to discuss the whole McPhee idol sacrifice.
"Well, she's just such a nice girl," said Nussbaum, "the kind we think Clay's been holding out for. They have so much in common. Both so young, both so talented, both so robbed of the first place they deserved . . . they understand each other."
What about Katherine's objections to the love match?
"She's just high spirited," Mrs. Nussbaum said, pouring tea into her cheery, limited edition Thomas Kincaid mugs. "Maybe a little too high spirited—but no matter. Our Clay can be the bridge for her troubled waters. She'll come around."
And what about Clay's seemingly utter lack of interest in this designated female?
"We know what's best for him. After all, we made him who he is today. He won't disappoint us," she said between bites of her award-winning pecan sandies."
Reps for Mr. Aiken had no comment and continue to deny any motivated moves toward Ms. McPhee. In fact, when spied recently slipping on a pair of natty stripped socks at a Paul Smith in lower Manhattan, Clay seemed visibly nervous at the talk of his fans' plans for wedded bliss.
"Golly, gee . . . well, golly," he said, then disappeared behind large sunglasses and even larger bodyguards.
Ms. McPhee, we hear, has found support from former idols Kimberly Locke and Diana Degarmo, both of whom have gone through their own "personal hell" due to fan-proposed "Claydates." Meanwhile, reps for Katherine insist she will be back on the American Idol tour soon.
We asked if this included the scheduled August 26 stop at Los Angeles' Staples Center, where a rowdy crowd of Claymates are already roosting in anticipation of the upcoming release of the new Aiken CD, A Thousand Different Ways.
"No way," her publicist replied. " She's not goin' to Hollywood."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
