You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Katie Holmes, Angelina Jolie, Britney Spears Outbuzz Their Men
Aug 21, 2006, 08:12
HOLLYWOOD - Web surfers looking for a one-hitter at work or at home are more likely to toke up on items about Katie Holmes, Angelina Jolie, and Britney Spears than their respective mates. In a penetrating report entitled "Relationships and Their Lopsided Buzz," Yahoo pulled the covers off three celebrity couples: TomKat, Brangelina, and Mr. and Mrs. Britney Spears.
"Tom Cruise has a bigger film career and the larger-than-life persona," said Yahoo, "but the mother of his unseen child attracts twice the curious online lookers."
No wonder Ms. Holmes wants to resume her career instead of staying at home reading Aristotle to Suri while Beethoven shimmers from the Bang & Olufsen.
The female is also the deadlier of the species in the Brangelina palace.
"Brad Pitt's making Ocean's 13 now," said Yahoo, "but his girlfriend and baby mama is strong indeed—with three times the buzz."
"That's like the difference between smoking schwag and smoking chronic," said Mr. Pitt's Ocean's 13 co-star and butthole buddy George Clooney. "Brad might deny that he's Angie's bitch, but the buzz don't lie."
If Ms. Holmes and Ms. Jolie outpoll their better halves, who at least have careers, where does that leave poor, delusional, mange-ridden Kevin Federline? Mr. Britney Spears gets Katrina'd in Yahoo searches by a score of 1-to-33 compared to his wife and only visible means of support. No matter how many times Ms. Spears makes K-Fed sleep in the basement with the gardeners, he just can't get it up, buzzwise.
Nor does K-Fed's buzzer compare favorably to Tom's or Brad's or even Paris Hilton's kinkajou's. Tom measured four times as many searches; Brad ten times as many; and the kinkajou thirteen times as many. Of course the kinkajou is one of the few mammals to have bitten Paris Hilton without having to get a tetanus shot afterward.
In other news, Owen Wilson has threatened to sue anyone who suggests that his affair with Kate Hudson during the making of You, Me & Dupree is the reason Ms. Hudson decided to leave her husband, that guy who sings for the Black Crowes.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
