You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Paris Hilton, Whitney Houston, Jessica Simpson Drop CDs and Teeth
Aug 22, 2006, 10:14
LOS ANGELES - Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson have new CDs out this month. Whitney Houston expects three more teeth to fall out any day now. When news happens, and even when it doesn't, the Pug Bus is your most reliable source of misinformation. Would we lie to you?
Paris Hilton's self-titled album, Paris, hits music stores today. So is Paris burning? You bet, says none other than Paris herself.
"I, like, cry, when I listen to it, it's so good," said Ms. Hilton.
And how good is that?
It's so good, Ms. Hilton replied, that she's close to changing her mind about going celibate for a year.
"I don't know if I can resist the temptation to have sex to this music," said Ms. Hilton. "With someone else, I mean. I've already had sex with myself dozens of times while listening to it."
Whitney Houston's career, which had been looking for a clean toilet to land in, may have received a boost from that old star maker Osama bin Laden. Kola Boof, a Sudanese poet, novelist, and lap dancer, wrote in her recently published autobiography, Diary of a Lost Girl, that Mr. bin Laden had "a hot nut" for Ms. Houston.
"Osama was so juiced about Whitney that he would have broken his own color rule if he could have gotten next to her," wrote Ms. Boof.
Ms. Houston, who was taken up residence in major airports in the South and Southwest in order to be closer to her cocaine shipments when they arrive, was located in a large Kelvinator box in San Diego yesterday.
"Huh?" she said when told of Mr. bin Laden's fascination. "Been what? You got any rock, mother-fucker?"
Jessica Simpson, whose new CD, A Public Affair, is due out August 29, has been added to the American Express "My Life, My Card" series. A portion of every purchase made by holders of this unique designer plastic will be donated to Ms. Simpson's favorite charity, Operation Smile, an organization that provides free reconstructive surgery to children with facial deformities.
According to a source close to American Express, Ms. Simpson's replies to the company's standard questionnaire "reveal a lighter, more ironic side of Jess."
My name . . . Jessica Simpson; childhood ambition . . . to marry my father; proudest moment . . . getting cleavage; alarm clock . . . my bladder; indulgence . . . Bam Margera
secret vice . . . it's battery operated; greatest fear . . . spelling; biggest challenge . . . memorizing lines for movies; retreat . . . Chateau Marmont honeymoon suite; perfect day . . . shopping, sleeping, screwing; last purchase . . . First Response Early Result Pregnancy Test; embarrassing moment . . . not being a virgin on my wedding night; fondest memory . . . Johnny Knoxville's trailer on Dukes of Hazard set; my life is . . . controlled by my father; my card is . . . American Express.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
