You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Britney Spears the New Face of Wal-Mart
Aug 24, 2006, 14:24
"Clean up in aisle 9."
BENTONVILLE, Ark. - Britney Spears is the new face of Wal-Mart. The singer recently inked a multimillion dollar contract with the retail giant, which will use her image to promote I'm Country, a new integrated line of casual fashions, cosmetics, and home accessories.
M. Susan Chambers, executive vice president of Wal-Mart's people division, announced the signing in a prepared statement yesterday.
"We are delighted to have Britney Spears become part of the Wal-Mart family," said Ms. Chambers. "We feel that Britney, more than any other celebrity, speaks to the soul of our customer base: the working mother who's maybe put on weight and let herself go, but who's still a sassy little number at heart."
Research conducted by the Retail Demographic Institute (RDI) supports Ms. Chambers' faith in Ms. Spears.
Britney Spears models a super-petite baby doll maternity dress from Wal- Mart's new I'm Country collection.
"The average Wal-Mart shopper is an under- educated, overweight mother, totally lacking in sophistication, who is married to a man forty pounds her junior," said RDI's director of consumer profiles, Daniel Moffatt.
"No other celebrity can bring all that to the table —and chew gum at the same time—the way Britney Spears can. When Wal-Mart shoppers see Britney with a wad of gum in her mouth on television, they know she's one of their own."
Financial details of the contract were not made available, but a source close to Ms. Spears said that thanks to Wal-Mart's generosity, "Brit will not have to work another day in her life, even if she wanted to."
In other news, Joseph Lieberman (D-CT) has begun collecting signatures that will enable Pluto to run as an independent in order to regain its status as one of the nine planets of the solar system.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
