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Jennifer Aniston, Vince Vaughn Blame Breakup on Name Calling
Oct 24, 2006, 08:19
MALIBU - It's official. Despite months of speculation, a denial from Jennifer Aniston on Oprah, and a tabloid-suing Vince Vaughn, friends of The Break-Up duo insist that this twosome is irretrievably broken.
The cause, it appears, was the usual "he said, she said." Apparently, he said Vaugniston and she said Jennivince until they both called the whole thing off.
"They just didn't work as a name," said Team Aniston supporter and the better half of Benifer, actress Jennifer Garner. "It's sad, but what are you gonna do?"
"They realized there was no foundation," explained Vince's Wedding Crashers pal and half of O-Kat, Owen Wilson. "Without a catchy hook, how can you catch the love--or the headlines?"
Friends close to the pair said the split was painful, both emotionally and grammatically.
"They went through so many versions trying to make one stick: Vincifer, J-Vaughn, Vaniston," said one of Aniston's former Friends pals, off the record.
"Jen really pushed for Jenivaughn. She's a women's libber."
But, by the time they had gotten to Vincestonanivaughnfer, the misspelling was on the wall.
We checked in with celebrity love guru Dr. Phil for his insight into this high profile hyphenated split.
"Sometimes the stars line up but the syllables don't," sighed the daytime diva. "Of course Ms. Aniston's ex-hubby's rebound added to the tension. Love is a two-way street, but the Madison Avenue magic of Brangelina doesn't roll off the tongue every day."
Next time, friends say, Jen is doing her homework. The perky Rumor Has It star has already been linked to Down Under dreamboat Orlando Bloom; not for his oh-so-lovable looks, but his oh-so-linkable name.
Insiders point to Jen's recent notebook scrawlings of Jenlando and Anibloom as proof that when it comes to Vince Vaughn, Jennifer is quickly adjusting to the Friends role and looking elsewhere for that love match. If in name only.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
