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O.J. Simpson Says Cancellation Was Prompted by Racism
Nov 20, 2006, 06:01
ORLANDO, Fla. - O.J. Simpson reacted angrily yesterday when he learned that News Corporation had decided not to broadcast two, one-hour interviews with him or to publish the how-to book he had written about the murders of his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ronald Goldman.
Hurling his golf club in disgust, the one-time football great said, "Black man can't get no justice in this country. If I had written a book about how I would murder Whitney Houston and some brother who was doing her, nobody would have said a damn thing; but because I described how I would have killed two white people, the man comes down on me for being uppity."
Mr. Simpson's book, a satirical novel called If I Did It, Here's How It Happened, was scheduled to hit bookstores November 30. The publisher, ReganBooks, is an imprint of HarperCollins, which is owned by News Corporation. Coincidentally the head of ReganBooks, Judith Regan, conducted the two one-hour interviews with Mr. Simpson. Those interviews would have aired November 27 and 29. In yet another coincidence the Regan-Simpson interviews would have been broadcast on the Fox network, which is owned by News Corporation.
The incestuousness nature of this arrangement—not to mention the widespread public revulsion at the thought of Mr. Simpson banking a three-point-five-million-dollar advance from ReganBooks—led News Corporation to put a fork in the Simpson media campaign.
"I and senior management agree that this was an ill-considered project," said News Corporation chairman, Rupert Murdoch. "We are determined that the individual or individuals who perpetrated this scheme are made to pay."
Mr. Murdoch refused to comment on the rumor that Fox executives wanted to replace the two hours of Mr. Simpson with two hours of people burning copies of If I Did It, Here's How It Happened at selected locations across the United States.
In related news, O.J. Simpson has announced that he will once again spend Thanksgiving afternoon serving a gourmet dinner to needy residents of the Miami suburb of Pinecrest. Although Mr. Simpson's appearance at the Pinecrest Polo Association has been called "a cynical attempt to repair his image," his attorney, Yale Galanter, insists, "This is coming from the heart. O.J. knows what it's like to squeeze by on a $30,000-a-month pension while living in a modest, middle-six-figure house."
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
