Spring equinox with its balanced periods of darkness and light is a perilous time for the Ram, who prefers to mood-swing from yin to yang, Bartles to Jaymes, and feit to counterfeit. So if there's too much Joel Gray in your astral brew, reinforce with infusions of Camille Paglia; too much Wayne Newton, unleaven with tincture of Al Gore.
Astronaut Lisa Nowak Boosts Depends Sales
Feb 8, 2007, 13:31
HOUSTON - While charges of attempted kidnapping and attempting murder have just been brought against astronaut Lisa Nowak after her bizarre love-triangle attack of a co-worker’s girlfriend, there is a no reason to fear that this space vet is all wet.
The defendant, who avoided bathroom breaks during her nine-hundred-mile interstate stalking spree with the help of adult diapers, hasn't released any official statements, but the Celebratty Chatter has learned of one party involved that is all too happy with the lack of leaks in this case.
Depends, the leading maker of adult diapers, has garnered not only prime product placement in this soggy saga but also a new spokesmodel.
“Lisa has opened a whole new demographic for us,” confirmed a secret company source. “Up to now we've just been focusing on the incontinence issue, but now we have the gal-on-the-go angle. We see a whole Lady Depends product line in the making.”
“Lisa’s really flushed out the concept,” he chuckled. “Now just think of all the things the modern woman can do while wearing depends: drink five cups of coffee, make great time on the Georgia state parkway, and have a full psychotic break. All June Allyson ever did was play tennis.”
Already in the works are print ads featuring the now ubiquitous mug shot and the tag: "What makes a Depend girl? When your first priority is to make good time, your second is to confront that bitch, and that’s the only number 1 or number 2 on your mind.”
Even NASA is getting on board with the ad launch, seeing an official adult diaper endorsement as a way to show support and unstain the soiled reputations of its ranks.
“Never underestimate the positive power of the astronaut,” insisted a rep for the space agency. “Look how we took an odd-tasting, chemically enhanced orange powder called Tang and made it America’s wholesome breakfast drink.
Protection a lady can depend on.
“Depends is just a natural extension of that product anyway. You can't drink anything up there without needing a diaper. Besides, in space no one can hear you pee.”
Seeing that the case has yet to even reach trial, doesn't Depends feel it’s a bit premature to back a spokesmodel who could prove to be an insane pepper-spraying psychopath?
“That’s not how we see it at all,” insists the inside source. “Our view is that the woman who wears Lady Depends stands for passion, intrigue, and a love that makes you weak in the bowels.”
Spring equinox with its balanced periods of darkness and light is a perilous time for the Ram, who prefers to mood-swing from yin to yang, Bartles to Jaymes, and feit to counterfeit. So if there's too much Joel Gray in your astral brew, reinforce with infusions of Camille Paglia; too much Wayne Newton, unleaven with tincture of Al Gore.
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