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Giuliani, Clinton, Shetty, Goody Clash over Klaus Harmony Fragrance
Feb 10, 2007, 22:51
Bollywood star and Big Brother winner Shilpa Shetty,
AMSTERDAM, Netherlands - When it was first released in 1978, Orgust, the signature fragrance by porn film-score composer, Klaus Harmony, failed to achieve widespread success.
Following the recent launch of klausharmony.com, however, a wave of Klausmania has swept the globe; and the re-release of Orgust (pronounced or GOOSED) has attracted unprecedented attention, not only from the media and glitterati but also from leading political figures.
"The essential problem would appear to be its appeal to both men and women," commented Unipol marketing consultant, Rich Travers.
"Its unisexual prominence, for example, led to a clash between Hillary Clinton and Rudolph Giuliani over which presidential candidate will officially endorse the product."
In the UK it is rumoured that with his bid for premiership increasing in intensity, Gordon Brown has taken to wearing Orgust, which is filled with a powerful cocktail of pheromones. Tony Blair, his rivalry with Brown scarcely behind him, is apparently adorning himself with the perfume also, leading to a series of requests from senior ministers to switch to the backbenches to escape the smell.
In Washington, speculation is mounting that President Bush summoned Condoleezza Rice to the Oval office to express concerns over her conduct after her hinting at a press conference that she likes to treat Canadian Foreign Affairs Minister Peter MacKay, to a "good whiff of Orgust in the morning."
Rich Travers believes that the purveyors of Orgust will soon step in to offer legitimate contracts to the rich and famous to advertise the fragrance.
"We know that a few embarrassing moments have taken place, particularly the brawl between Nick Lachey and David Beckham at LA's Chateau Marmont. I doubt Orgust wants that kind of publicity. There's no official word as yet, but we would be very surprised if the Beckhams don't get a joint deal to put their faces to a campaign. If they do, we imagine it would be worth around $20m.
Author and Big Brother reject Jade Goody,
Shilpa Shetty, Bollywood star and recent winner of UK reality show Big Brother, is tipped to be the winner of a Euro-Asian contract worth a staggering £75m.
Jade Goody, who was evicted from Big Brother by public acclamation following charges of racist bullying, has told reporters that she does not believe Shilpa deserves the contract.
"Yeah, I'm not being funny, right? But that p*k* bitch shouldn't be getting British money for wearing some f*ck*ng perfume. She should just f*ck off home to India. She'd need a gallon of the stuff to get rid of her curry stench anyway. Can I talk about my new book now?"
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
