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Paul McCartney Has Sticker Shock Following Divorce
Mar 19, 2008, 08:35
Ancient Chinese symbol for "permanently unoccupied space."
LONDON - Friends of ex-Beatle Paul McCartney, 65, report that he is "near suicidal" over the terms of his divorce settlement with former wife number two, Heather Mills, 40.
It isn't the $49 million buzz-off payment that he'll miss, say friends, it's the lifetime handicapped parking sticker that Ms. Mills enjoys as a result of losing her left leg and her moral compass in a tragic disco accident fifteen years ago.
"That bloody sticker is all he talks about," said Pink Floyd frontman David Gilmour. "That and the great sex they had. Apparently Heather can rotate her stump sideways and up and down at the same time."
In happier times Mr. McCartney could often be seen pulling into the handicapped space at his local supermarket, shopping centre, or pub with "the crip sticker," as he called it, hanging from the rear view mirror of his fire-engine-red Mini Cooper.
A gutted Paul McCartney following his divorce settlement.
"It was just a hoot for Paul," said Robin Trower, former guitarist with Procul Harum.
"He wasn't keen to seek special treatment because of his status as a rock star, but he loved putting one over on people by using the handicapped parking sticker when he went out by himself. I think it reminded him of the pranks he and John Lennon pulled when they were young. Of course, whenever Paul went anywhere with Heather, she insisted they take the chauffeur or have somebody park their car for them."
Friends say that Mr. McCartney didn't mind running errands for Ms. Mills because that gave him a chance to borrow her handicapped parking sticker. What's more, he was careful not to abuse the privilege.
"Paul never took the last handicapped parking space unless it was raining or he was too stoned to walk very far," laughed British retro-rocker Dave Edmunds.
"I don't know what he's going to do without that parking sticker. It'll be easier for him to replace the great sex with a one-legged hooker than it will be to replace that sticker."
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
