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Eliot Spitzer's Wife Had Him by the Junk
Mar 26, 2008, 09:07
NEW YORK - Former New York governor Eliot Spitzer is said to be responding well to the genital reconstructive surgery he underwent following his admission two weeks ago that he had consorted with high-dollar prostitutes.
"The governor wanted to keep this treatment on the down low," said a spokeswoman yesterday, "but he hasn't had much success with keeping secrets of late, so he decided to go public with the news that he had suffered a urogenital insult during the press conference at which he first admitted to improprieties."
Dr. Sheldon Rosenthal, chief of emergency surgery at St. Vincent's Medical Center in Manhattan, corroborated that account.
"What the cameras didn't show was that while Governor Spitzer was making his announcement, his wife, Silda, had his genitals painfully bound in a deathlike grip with her left hand. As he proceeded to apologize and to mention his family, her viselike hold became increasingly more acute. The excruciating pain was quite evident on Governor Spitzer's face.
"Did the maid forget to use fabric softener when she washed my whites?"
Wincing as he continued, Dr. Rosenthal explained: "When he said he needed to dedicate time to regain the trust of his family, her death-clutch suddenly increased, thus resulting in the rupture of his [junk]."
Various reports indicated that the governor refused treatment for most of the next day until the pain became intolerable and infection began to set in.
According to Dr. Rosenthal, "Treatment will require a complete reconstruction of the governor's genital area including a partial phalloplasty, prosthetic testicle implants, and reconstruction of the urethra and most of the vas deferens.
Cell phone image taken during Eliot Spitzer's reconstructive surgery.
"It's amazing to me that Mrs. Spitzer was able to apply that much pressure while never changing her facial expression. My estimate is that the governor's genitals were subjected to pressures of at least 1,400 pounds per square inch during his speech.
"His private parts will be out of commission for at least the next eighteen months and will require extensive therapy and treatment—and there's a good chance he may never regain the use of his genitals again. Frankly, I wouldn't wish these injuries on my worst enemy."
Dr. Rosenthal estimated the cost of Governor Spitzer's treatment at eighty thousand dollars, "ballpark."
A previous version of this article appeared on I Laugh, Therefore, I Am.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
