You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Hillary's Gal Pal Elton Is Ass Hat of the Week
Apr 11, 2008, 06:26
The bride wore garish.
WEST CHESTER, Penna. -- Hillary Clinton's gal pal Elton John is the latest recipient of the Postcards from the Pug Bus Ass Hat of the Week award.
Mr. John—a portly, overbearing, needy little monstrosity in carnival drag—has long been more famous for his emotional outbursts, compulsive shopping, and substance abuse than for his melodies. (Think Perez Hilton without the self-deprecating charm and sense of humor.)
At a fundraiser for Ms. Clinton in Madison Square Garden the other night, Mr. John intoned, "I never cease to be amazed at the misogynistic attitude of some people in this country. And I say to hell with them."
Right-o, you stupid hair plug. Anyone who doesn't vote for Hillary is a misogynist. How's that for trenchant political analysis? Why don't you put a butt plug in it and leave the political commentary to persons of any race, creed, or sexual preference who have access to a brain?
Ms. Clinton, who attended the concert with her husband, Festus, and their daughter, Lassie, wasted no time in likening herself to the title of Mr. John's song "I'm Still Standing."
There are, however, at least two other Elton John songs that describe her more accurately: "The Bitch Is Back" and "I Am Your Robot."
In related news, a radio station in Montana rather tastelessly suggested that persons fed up with Mr. John's perpetual grandstanding should beat the crap out of his CDs and tie them to a fence.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
