Pope Benedict Will Visit West Chester, Pennsylvania
Apr 14, 2008, 12:59
WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Pope Benedict XVI will visit West Chester, Pennsylvania, Wednesday evening, a member of the pope’s entourage has confirmed.
According to the pope’s traveling appointments secretary, Cardinal Alfonso Dente, “His Holiness is eager to see the mystery horse on the estate of Postcards from the Pug Bus.”
Phil Maggitti, editor in briefs of the Pug Bus, told reporters that he and his staff “will do our goddamn best” to make Pope Benedict feel at home.
“We understand the pope was invited to dinner at the White House that night, but he cancelled so he could free up some time to visit the horse,” said Maggitti. “I don’t blame him. Pork-rind-encrusted catfish with tater tots Velveeta au gratin aren’t everybody’s cup of Maalox.”
The mystery horse that has caught Pope Benedict’s eye appeared on the Pug Bus estate four weeks ago. Within days local residents began to report strange phenomena, which they attributed to the horse.
“I was, like, four weeks late getting my period,” said a freshman music major at nearby West Chester University who asked not to be identified. “So I was, like, on my way to 4:15 mass at the Newman center one afternoon to pray for a miracle when I noticed the horse. Something about it seemed so totally peaceful, you know, that I couldn’t help staring at it. Then all of a sudden my cell phone connection went dead, and I could feel myself beginning to spot.”
Other mirable dictu have been reported by people claiming to have been touched by the horse. Their tales include sudden weight loss, chronic-herpes cures, and other marvels.
One international relations major named Bruce, who hadn’t bothered to study for his waterboarding midterm, said he was “knocked on my ass” when he discovered the teacher had decided to give an open book test.
“I felt like the horse was guiding my fingers all through the test,” said Bruce.
Maggitti, a self-described Attack Buddhist, said he takes all these reports with “a grain of salt and a bite of lemon.” Nevertheless, he adds, “We’re hoping his imperial highness kicks a blessing to the horse—or at least poses for some pictures with it.
“Google ad revenues on our website have been down since we ran those Photoshopped nudes of Hillary Clinton wearing a bandolier and a studded jock strap, and we’d like to sell bits and pieces of [the horse] as some kind of relics or some shit.”
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