Pope Benedict Approves Measure to Increase Vocations
Apr 17, 2008, 09:58
"We're looking for men who measure up to the challenge of a vocation."
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Responding to the need for priestly vocations in the United States, Pope Benedict XVI has ordered officials from the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops to sponsor the first annual Running of the Altar Boys in hopes of attracting new members to the church's all-male clergy.
The Pontiff made the announcement yesterday during his eighty-first birthday celebration, hosted by President and Mrs. Bush on the south lawn of the White House.
“There was mounting pressure from liberal-minded Catholics to allow married men and even women into the priesthood,” shuddered Fr. Antonio Carrozini, a spokesman for the U.S. conference. “In order to thwart those radical proposals, we knew we had to find a way replenish vocations quickly.”
Fr. Carrozini reported that the Holy Spirit visited the Pontiff while he was watching ESPN's coverage of the popular Running of the Bulls festival in Pamplona, Spain. In this venerable event, bulls chase participants down a narrow village street hoping to find someone to gore, preferably from behind.
“The bull festival began during a Spanish labor strike as a means of provoking the bulls to run to the market where they would be slaughtered,” he said. “The Blessed Father, in all his divine wisdom, decided to adopt it as a means of attracting vocations to the priestly life.”
In the proposed Papal version, seminarians from across the U.S. would have the opportunity to chase hoards of altar boys down the newly named Via Pueris (Way of the Boy), a narrow, kilometer-long street bordering Vatican City. Any seminarian enrolled during the 2007-2008 church year would be eligible to participate in the rough-and-tumble event to be held in December.
The theme for this year’s event will be Effercio Rectorum Nostrae (Fill Up Our Rectories).
“We don't anticipate any problems attracting new vocations with this scheme,” said Carrozini, “but the procurement of altar boys willing to participate in this ritual could prove to be more challenging.”
As usual, Vatican officials will turn to members of Opus Dei, a lay organization known for its radically conservative agenda and staunch support of the Vatican.
“We were thrilled when the Vatican contacted us to supply altar boys!” responded Opus Dei president and ex-Senator, Rick Santorum. “The scholarships being offered to young men willing to participate in the Running of the Alter Boys offer a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to support the Holy Father—and to provide our sons with an opportunity to rub elbows with his fine clerics.”
Santorum paused for a moment, then sighed, “I only wish I’d had this opportunity when I was their age.”
"Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Bet you can't catch me."
Vatican guidelines state that prospective altar boys between the ages of eight and twelve-and-a-half will attend a two-week training camp staffed by a Roman Catholic branch of Promise Keepers. At this camp the boys will be "groomed" for the chase by participating in various running, tumbling and wrestling events while clad only in red loin cloths bearing the Papal insignia.
“I was concerned that the Roman Catholic priesthood might become a thing of the past, a rear guard action, if you will,” said Fr. William McNeary, vocation director for the Washington Theological Union.
“Thanks to this event and to the insight of our Blessed Father, the church as we’ve come to know it will remain steadfast and unchanged. Why, it makes me want to be a seminarian again!”
A previous version of this article appeared on I Laugh, Therefore, I Am.
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